Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Crunch, Em Effer!

I am so. sick. of the self-righteous bullshit that certain people dish out daily in our bar class. The Shusher turns around and glares at us when we aren't even doing anything--and I mean, nothing. She turned around with her big ol' stinkeye today and my entire row of troublemakers was studiously writing. No one was talking, no one was laughing, no one was farting, nothing. And she glared at us! WTF! N whispered to all of us, "Were you breathing? Better stop!"

So, at the next break, I went to the gas station and purchased a big, crackly, crunchy bag of Doritos. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want to eat the Doritos. But I needed a weapon.

I waited to open the bag until class started again, so that I could take advantage of the stillness of the room. As soon as I did, the Shusher started shaking her head, apparently in disbelief at my gall (hello, we had just come back from break! people eat!). She turned and looked at someone like "can you believe the nerve of some of these people? I know! Awful!" Kept shaking her head and jiggling her knee for a while.

I waited until the video professor paused, so the room was nice and still, and then I CRUNCHed. I know that things always sound louder to me when I'm eating than to other people, because the noise is inside my own head, but dude, this was LOUD. My troublemaking row lost it. J's head went down, N turned sideways and was shaking with laughter, S and M (ooh, that sounds dirty) were giggling madly (but silently! silently!), and I had to turn around to calm myself so that I didn't inhale Dorito fragments. I tried really hard not to laugh audibly, because that would just give away that I was doing it to be an asshole, rather than doing it and just being an asshole incidentally.

Anyway, I kept crunching my way through the bag, trying to wait each time until the professor had paused so that my crunch was extra loud--because, just in case Shusher confronted me, I wanted to be able to bat my eyelashes innocently and protest that I had been trying to make sure that no one missed any part of the lecture because of my crunching.

I made that damn bag last for a whole hour. Hahahahaha!

At the end of class, our video professor was just reading to us the last couple of pages (just a sample exam problem and answer). He was not adding anything new. He was reading to us, verbatim, straight from the page. People started putting things away and murmuring. The Shusher shushed us. I turned to N and we shared a "are you kidding me?!?" kind of look. Then, when I turned back, I realized that the Shusher didn't even have her book open. She shushed the class so that she could hear the professor read directly from a book that she had already closed. Effing a-hole.


Tim said...

This is effing hilarious. I don't know what else to say. Just effing hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I love you soooo much. Sooooooooooo much. You're my hero.

And I can't remember my user name, so I have to publish this as "anonymous." I'm such a loser. It's Christa btw.