Defeating the purpose by accomplishing the purpose

I'm not really crazy about how my birth control has a two-prong protection against pregnancy. I'm cool with the first prong, which is the standard hormonal blah blah blah. Not so cool with the second prong, which entails me gaining so much weight that no one wants to sleep with me.

10 pounds in less than a month, dude. Eating just as I have been, without weight gain. I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life, and I don't know what to do. The other side effects of this method are very low or nonexistent, which is wonderful. But the weight gain is not so cool.

It's real?

I've been chatting with a friend from college, Dan, on Facebook recently, about... well, a lot of things. Life, mainly. Self. Awareness. Hobbies. Etc. And he has blown my mind wide open, in a beautiful, genuine, real, and loving way. But here I sit, with my mind blown. It's uncomfortable.

I discovered pandora.com a few months back, and I loooooooooove it. I usually listen to my "Brandi Carlile" station--Pandora puts together music based on the parameters that define Brandi Carlile's music, and then I get to enjoy it. It's a playlist, basically, so I've gotten to know most of the songs pretty well. One in particular gets me every time--it's called "Clean Getaway", and the lyrics are so apt it's scary.

I'm still surprised, almost on a daily basis, at how much I miss my ex-fiance. I don't miss the relationship, but I do miss him. I don't know if there's just something just broken inside me, if there's something wrong with me, that I continuously miss him, that I have this low-grade, constant ache, or if that's normal and it's just... loss.

Clean Getaway (Maria Taylor)
I made my place by the door
I didn't know what I was waiting for
Felt just like home
Except no grass, no yard, no pictures

I could see across to the park
And there were friends, they
were laughing hard
They looked just like my home
With no face, no name, no voice I'd know

I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
I finally made it
I made a clean getaway

I met someone at the bar.
He had a great smile and a great heart
He felt just like love
Except no fear of losing,
and it wasn't tough

I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.

Doldrums

I'm a big Brandi Carlile fan, and her song "What Can I Say" got me through a number of challenges in the last few years--particularly my split from my fiance, bar review, and my long job search. I thought when I got my job and things started looking up that I wouldn't feel that deep identification with the song anymore, or at least not for a long time.

Time's up.

What Can I Say
Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say

Try to burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
Seems no matter how hard I try
Feels like there's something just missing inside

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say