Confession

I am afraid to educate myself more fully about things that are fucked up because I'm not sure how to live in this world when I am very, very angry. I suppose the answer is to take action, but I'm too lazy.

Random Thoughts as a Return to Blogging Splendor

1. Never in my life would I have thought I'd be inspired by American Idol. Welp. Here I am. Also, boys who can sing--like, really sing--will make my panties just FALL RIGHT OFF. Also also, Victoria Beckham is surprisingly lovely and sweet. How did that happen?

2. Nachos are so delicious.



3. As is red wine. See above.

4. My work desk chair is starting to get an unusual crease... Ahem. Embarrassing...



5. To be continued.

Defeating the purpose by accomplishing the purpose

I'm not really crazy about how my birth control has a two-prong protection against pregnancy. I'm cool with the first prong, which is the standard hormonal blah blah blah. Not so cool with the second prong, which entails me gaining so much weight that no one wants to sleep with me.

10 pounds in less than a month, dude. Eating just as I have been, without weight gain. I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life, and I don't know what to do. The other side effects of this method are very low or nonexistent, which is wonderful. But the weight gain is not so cool.

It's real?

I've been chatting with a friend from college, Dan, on Facebook recently, about... well, a lot of things. Life, mainly. Self. Awareness. Hobbies. Etc. And he has blown my mind wide open, in a beautiful, genuine, real, and loving way. But here I sit, with my mind blown. It's uncomfortable.

I discovered pandora.com a few months back, and I loooooooooove it. I usually listen to my "Brandi Carlile" station--Pandora puts together music based on the parameters that define Brandi Carlile's music, and then I get to enjoy it. It's a playlist, basically, so I've gotten to know most of the songs pretty well. One in particular gets me every time--it's called "Clean Getaway", and the lyrics are so apt it's scary.

I'm still surprised, almost on a daily basis, at how much I miss my ex-fiance. I don't miss the relationship, but I do miss him. I don't know if there's just something just broken inside me, if there's something wrong with me, that I continuously miss him, that I have this low-grade, constant ache, or if that's normal and it's just... loss.

Clean Getaway (Maria Taylor)
I made my place by the door
I didn't know what I was waiting for
Felt just like home
Except no grass, no yard, no pictures

I could see across to the park
And there were friends, they
were laughing hard
They looked just like my home
With no face, no name, no voice I'd know

I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
I finally made it
I made a clean getaway

I met someone at the bar.
He had a great smile and a great heart
He felt just like love
Except no fear of losing,
and it wasn't tough

I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.

Doldrums

I'm a big Brandi Carlile fan, and her song "What Can I Say" got me through a number of challenges in the last few years--particularly my split from my fiance, bar review, and my long job search. I thought when I got my job and things started looking up that I wouldn't feel that deep identification with the song anymore, or at least not for a long time.

Time's up.

What Can I Say
Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say

Try to burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
Seems no matter how hard I try
Feels like there's something just missing inside

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

Meee-ow!

I got a nice e-mail today from Caroline, the woman in Career Services who really kept me going through my long, frustrating job search. In the e-mail, Caroline e-introduced a woman I'll call "Beth" and explained that Beth had recently sat for the Bar and was looking for a position in my city, blah blah blah, she hoped I'd be willing to share some thoughts with her. Then a couple messages later in my inbox, there was a very nice e-mail from "Beth," asking if I might be willing to chat with her about job searching. Lovely!

Unfortunately, "Beth" is a bitch. Clearly, she doesn't remember my name, and I doubt she'd even recognize me, but oh I remember her.

She is (or at least was) the girlfriend of an acquaintance's roommate, and shortly after I first met her, I had a very negative interaction with her in a class that we shared. Honestly, I don't even remember exactly what happened--I think I came in on the second day of class and accidentally sat in "her" seat, which happens, all the time, and it's effing irritating, everyone knew that your first day seat was yours and that you don't take other people's first day seats. But I remember she was such a bitch about it that I got shitty back with her (which, if you know me outside of this blog, really rarely ever happens, especially with near-strangers) and then called her the C-word later in retelling the incident. And then gave her serious stinkeye (which was definitely returned) the rest of the year.

It was just one of the things that you reflect on later and think, "Who ACTS that way?!?"

So anyway, I have no interest in helping her do anything other than walk in front of a speeding train. But I don't know how to professionally say that to Caroline, or even if I should. Maybe I should just grow up, get over it, and pretend that nothing ever happened and I have no idea who "Beth" is. I mean, it was over seats for class. Big deal.

But she just acted like such an entitled, evil bitch that I really don't want to help her, and I can't believe that I should.

At the same time, I don't want to just ignore the e-mails. I remember too clearly how hard it is to undertake a job search, especially when you feel like everyone else already has a job, and as much as I dislike "Beth," I have no desire to actually make her search more difficult. I don't want to be mean. I just don't want to help.

So finally, after a little deliberation, I sent the following e-mail back to Caroline (minus a few more personal opening sentences):

It’s so lovely to begin to be on the receiving end of these “any ideas??” e-mails (I just got a cold resume and letter from a total stranger at Tulsa!), but this particular one brings me a little dilemma, and I’m not sure how to handle it professionally. Seeing as you’ve always been my go-to question lady, I thought I’d just ask. Being that I attended IU Law classes at the same time as Beth, and being that IU Law is a small school, it’s not unsurprising that we had a couple classes together. I’m sure she doesn’t remember my name, as we were only introduced once, and I doubt she would remember my face, but the opposite is not true. Without turning into an 8th grader, let’s just say I had some negative interactions with her. I don’t want to be petty and unprofessional, but frankly, I have little interest in sharing my bucketfuls of wisdom (ha!) with her. I’m wondering whether a) that’s fine, and that’s why everyone warns you in law school to be good to your peers; or b) I should take the high ground or some other such cliché and agree to talk with her.

Any advice you have would be much appreciated. I hope that this doesn’t cut me off of the networking pipeline, because I really am eager to help in almost every case! I’m just not sure what to do in this particular situation.

So now I'm curious--what do you all think? How would you have reacted? What would you have done?