Attractive Nuisance

Eats

2012-01-12T22:50:00.000-05:00

I basted an egg this morning! I always had a vague idea of what basting means, and I always order my eggs basted, because I like a runny yolk but a cooked white. I finally figured out how to do it at home... and it's ridiculously easy. Here's how it's done:

1. Heat a small fry pan on medium-high heat, and then add a bit of fat. I used bacon fat, which I saved the last time I made bacon, but you can also use butter.

2. Crack an egg into the pan. I included some shell... but that's prolly not the best way to do it.

3. Sprinkle the egg with salt and cracked pepper.

4. Once the white starts to firm up and turn bright, pour in 3 tablespoons of basting liquid. I used water, which is totally fine, but you can also use something more flavorful, like chicken broth.

5. Shake the pan a little to distribute the water, and then clamp a lid over the whole thing. Adding the water to the hot fat will cause the fat to spit like crazy--plus, the water will steam cook the egg.

6. Wait, I don't know, a minute and a half? Two minutes? Take the egg off the heat when it's done how you like it.

7. Eaaaat it.

I made a little breakfast sandwich with the egg and these whole wheat rounds I bought at Costco. And some shredded cheddar. Aaaaand some bacon. Mmm!

Yeaaaahhhh buddy.

For dinner, I used the whole wheat rounds again and made little toaster oven pizzas: pizza sauce, goat cheese (also a Costco purchase), mushrooms, and some chopped-up Kalamata olives I had in my fridge. Before:

After (I added a little more pizza sauce on top between the photos):

Delicious, low-cal dinner that was totally satisfying without making me feel overly full and gross.

Rebel hair

2012-01-12T01:12:00.001-05:00

I just pulled a hair out that was gray at the end, brown in the middle, and what at the root. What the?! It just changed its mind?

I hate that I'm getting gray hairs. They're almost too numerous to continue pulling out--I'm going to have to start coloring my hair sometime in the far near future. And... that makes me really sad. I love my natural color (minus the gray), and I want to keep it. I've played around with color many times before, and I've never had anything that I like as much as my natural shade(s).

Some people rock their grays... not me. They look scraggly and unkempt, not distinguished, on me.

Boo aging.

This and that

2012-01-11T11:57:00.000-05:00

I'm not doing so great on the whole "I'll blog every day" thing, huh?

I'm still struggling with getting a routine going--which means I'm still struggling with not sleeping in and not watching TV all day... I haven't gotten a war room set up yet, and I think that's a big part of my failures to stay on task. I have all of these bedrooms, and I planned to make one of them into a treadmill/craft room/office, but I realized yesterday that it's in the half of the house that is only 55 degrees, so the likelihood of my spending lots of time back there, doing work, is... nil. The room I'm using as my living room has a big area that's not being used right now, so I'm going to set up my table there so I can be warm (ish--I still only have the heat at 65), be near the dog, have TV on if I want to, and yet still be working. It'll make the living room less homey and cozy, but maybe it'll encourage me to keep the desk neat...

So I have an old, shitty sliding glass door leaning up against my house:

I'm afraid it's going to break in a big storm--plus, it looks so good--so I want to get rid of it, but I don't know what to do with it. I would donate it to Habitat for Humanit, but (a) it really is a shitty door, and (b) I don't have a truck. Any ideas? Craigslist? ???

Peeping

2012-01-05T19:53:00.001-05:00

On deck for tomorrow: installing a peephole in my front door.

I'm sitting here on my couch, minding my own business, and suddenly, the doorbell rang. Twice. Now, not a single one of my friends would just stop by my house at night and ring the doorbell, and I sure wasn't expecting someone, sooooo WTF. As I was standing up from the couch, slowly, wondering who the EFF was at my door, the person started jiggling the door knob, trying to open the door. That's when I dialed 911 and poised my lil' finger over "dial".

The person rang the bell again, and, since I don't have a peep hole in my front door, I just yelled through the door, "WHO IS IT?"

"Marcus"

"WHO'S MARCUS?"

Turns out that Marcus is a friend of the shady former residents. But he didn't know they haven't lived here in a year and a half?

So yes. Tomorrow, I install a peephole.

Pro tip: keep your doors locked even when you're inside! This is not the first time strangers have tried to get into my house while I'm five feet away inside.

Managing Monotony

2012-01-05T18:40:00.001-05:00

It's remarkable how lonely unemployment is. My mom and grandma left about two hours ago, and already I feel depressed and isolated! Now that they're gone, though, I can set my mind to creating a daily and weekly routine to help me manage these feelings of isolation and aimlessness, be productive, and (fingers crossed!) keep this period of unemployment short and sweet.

My ideas for daily and weekly routines include:

Daily:
- Morning coffee
- Exercise
- Shower and have breakfast
- Check my list of job sites
- Write cover letters, apply for positions, make calls, etc.
- Walk the dog
- Clean and pick up around house
- Blog
- Craft / creativity time
- Social interaction

A few times a week:
- Some sort of education, skills development, and/or volunteering component
- Home improvement tasks
- Couponing

What ideas or suggestions do you have for my daily and weekly routines? What daily activities help keep you focused?

What are your favorite websites to help you with some of these activities? One of my favorite crafting sites is Cathie Filian's blog. She has great ideas and products, and she's a wonderful person, to boot. Working with Cathie and her husband Eddie in Los Angeles was one of the highlights of my life!

Pee Hustler

2012-01-04T12:44:00.001-05:00

Now that I'm unemployed, I can do all these crazy things during the day... Like schlep my dog's pee to the vet.

A Bedroom With a Toilet But No Window

2012-01-04T10:56:00.000-05:00

Good gravy, I'm behind already and it's only the 4th. My mom and grandma have been here for the last couple of days for our belated Christmas celebration, so I've had my hands full with last-minute present-buying, taking mom's car to the shop, wrapping presents, cooking, opening presents, and falling asleep on the couch.

Puck wanted to help wrap presents.

Slippers for everyone!

This is one of the windows in my master bedroom. It was boarded up when I bought the house in April, and the contractor I hired for my bathrooms assured me that he'd order a window for me and install it. I emphasized that I wanted to have a new window in before cold weather hit, because there was an inch of daylight all around the window, and I didn't want to lose all of that heat. My contractor told me he had ordered the window and that it would be in in a couple weeks. Then, a couple months later, he told me that he was getting some quotes for a window. And that was the last I heard. (Needless to say, I would not hire this contractor again... but that is another story for another post.) Then it got cold. (Which is why there are plastic bags stuffed around the window. Nothing but classy solutions for this girl!)

So in mid-November, my mom ordered a window from Lowe's to replace this one. Of course, it's an odd size, so it was a custom-order window. The sales guy came out to the house, measured the opening, and saw the other bedroom window that should match the new window. Mom paid for the window at that time. At the end of November, the installer came and measured the opening, and then he ordered the window. I spent a week after the window came in in mid-December trying to get ahold of the installer--Mom gave the salesperson her cell phone number, and apparently Lowe's can only enter one phone number into their system, so Lowe's would call her and she would call me and everything was getting messed up and even though four people said they put my number into the system, still no one called me. ANYWAY. Fast-forward to today. The installation was scheduled for yesterday, but one of the installers smashed his thumb yesterday and they got off schedule, so they rescheduled for today. The installer shows up, looks at the bedroom, and... tells me that, even though I ordered a double-hung window, the factory sent a window that slides side to side. Sooooo he'll have to have the correct window re-ordered, and we'll have to schedule another installation. Par for the course with this house, but ok, what can I do except wait another month.

About 10 minutes after the installer left, Lowe's Installation Services calls me. The woman is kinda shitty with me and says that the installer just called and said that I wanted a slider window even though I ordered a double-hung so I'd sent him away. I said, no, I ordered and want a double-hung, but the installer said that the factory sent a slider, so it has to be re-ordered. She argues with me and tells me, no, the installed said I want a slider, but my paperwork says that I ordered a double-hung. I get a little testy and say, LISTEN, I haven't seen the window--all I know is what the installer said, and HE said that the window that arrived is a SLIDER, but I ORDERED and WANT a DOUBLE-HUNG. With an attitude like I am jerking her around, she says, well, I'll just have to send the installer back and we'll see what's going on.

Are you fucking kidding me? You're getting shitty with me? You've had two people out to measure and get this window ordered, and you're getting shitty with ME?

I waited 20 minutes without hearing anything, so I called Installed Sales back and spoke to the woman again. This time she was much nicer. Apparently, the installer flip-flopped the measurements when he ordered the window, so the window IS a double hung window... but it's the wrong size. So it could go into the opening but would then open by sliding. So now I'm waiting to hear back from the Installed Sales manager, who is waiting to hear from the installer, who will be responsible for paying for the window and ordering a new one...

So here it is, early January, and I not only have a toilet sitting in my master bedroom but I still have no window! GRUMBLE.

v2012.365

2012-01-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

2011 was an unending shitshow of hassles, disappointments, and minor disasters. I hope that 2012 brings happier days, but either way, I'm going to write about it.

I've realized that I tend to tune out of the details of my life when everything seems fine, until suddenly it's not fine anymore, and I discover that I'm lost and I don't know how I got there. I also know that I find my days more interesting and funny when I'm actually paying attention. Maybe that seems pretty obvious, but it's starting to dawn on me how little attention I think I've been paying, and it's scary.

So today I begin my 365 project. Each day of 2012, I will take at least one photo--which shouldn't be hard, given the 4,024 photos that I've taken in the last 11 months--AND I'll also post the photo and write a blog post. I've been telling myself for years that I need to write more, and somehow I never do. I have some time on my hands since I recently lost my job, and I desperately need to find some shades of me that I lost somewhere along the way, so I hope my project will inspire me to reimagine my present and my future.

I built a fire in my fireplace for the first time tonight. It was beautiful for about 5 minutes, until all of the kindling burned up and the wet firewood I'd just purchased burped out a bunch of smoke and fizzled out. Tomorrow, I will try again.

I blinked!

2011-06-07T09:41:00.000-04:00

I went to the house last night to see what progress the guys made on Monday, and....

The tub in the guest bathroom is in! They put up cement board around the tub and green board about halfway up the walls--so there's a little more privacy to use the lonely toilet in the master bath. However, they also turned the water off, so please DON'T use the lonely toilet.

They also did something with the drains... apparently they were all full of junk? I don't know.

Thankfully I'm not living in the house--Joe and his crew started at 6 a.m. today. I guess the plan is to get the bathrooms ready for tile TODAY. Holy smokes! I still need to pick out the tile, and then wait for it to come in if it's not in stock, and then... and then they'll finish up the bathrooms. So fast! I can't WAIT.

Tearing down to build back up...

2011-06-06T12:17:00.000-04:00

Oooo-eee I have been naughty and lazy about updating! Long story short: I had many contractors come out and give me quotes. Some of the them didn't actually give me quotes until after I chose someone, but! I chose someone!

I took advantage of Lowe's Memorial Day paint sale to save $140 on painting supplies. I still spent $600... and haven't yet purchased paint for 3 bedrooms, either bathroom, or the laundry room. It's insane how quickly the costs add up.

Here are a few of the color choices I tested:

This is the dining room. The paint was still wet here--when it dried, the left sample is a dustier blue, and the right sample is a really light, bright blue. I chose the dusty blue. I'm removing the paneling--which Grandma thinks is really nice, despite the fact that (a) it's not, and (b) it's buckling out from the wall. I'll probably slap up a chair rail.

And now the kitchen choices! By the way, Grandma haaaaates these. "Dark. Dark! So dark! That's really dark. Ew, so dark." I really wanted a charcoal gray, and I chose the bottom sample. The top one was kinda bleh with the light birch cabinets, but the bottom one had some pizazz.

These are the top two choices of the samples I got for the living room. I was worried the top one would be too mustard-y, but the bottom one was too close to baby poo. The paint is still wet in this picture, too--once it dried, there was more of a contrast, and the yellow is even prettier. (I chose the top sample, obvs.)

All ceilings will be a flat white. They're white now, but the paint has some gloss, and it's awful. The trim, doors, and windows will all be the same clean white.

The "fun room" walls will be a medium mushroom-y gray brown, with one accent wall of blue with a touch of green. The hallways will be one shade lighter on the sample strip. At this point, I'm planning on pulling the naaaaasty carpet in the fun room and painting the concrete, rather than putting down laminate and carpet. I ran out of money! So I'll paint the floors a shade darker than the walls, hopefully with a high-gloss finish. Then I plan to pick out some song lyrics that I love and stencil them on the floor, around the room along the edge of the wall. Add the inexpensive but pretty IKEA rug I recently bought, plus some inexpensive carpet-rugs, and that will have to be good enough for now.

The master bedroom will be a light gray, but more of a light dove gray than a brownish-gray, and one accent wall will be a deep, plummy purple. Grandma picked out a light green for her bedroom. From the smudge on top of the can, it looks a little more pastel than I anticipated... so we'll see. Mom still has to pick out a color for her room, but she wants a buttery yellow with brown, sheer curtains.

I may paint the laundry room the blue I did not choose for the dining room. The room gets lot of light, and I think it'd be pretty. I still have to choose paint for the back two bedrooms, too, but I am pondering some ideas. I'm planning to pull the carpets and paint the floors in there for now, too. It's gonna be chilly in the back of the house!

So my contractor, Joe Emmert with Bathrooms by Design, got most of the tear-out done this weekend. Hurrah! But because the dumpster isn't being delivered until today sometime, he had to pile all of the junk in the fun room. Voila:

I may try to salvage the bathroom vanities for the laundry room. Maybe I can slap an inexpensive countertop on them to make a folding table. Yes? Yes.

Here is the guest bathroom, which was already partially torn out. I took the picture from the door. Notice that you can see into the master bath... Using the toilet will be a little tricky for a little while. Peekaboo!

And the master bath, which looks soooo much bigger with the little half wall removed!

I'm really excited about the master bath. It's getting a tiled shower--which is where I was standing when I took this picture--and a glass pivot door and wall and a pretty long vanity with two sinks....

I'm so excited to see some real movement. We've done a lot of cleaning, but it's hard to really see much progress with that, especially when there is still so much to be done. But the back two bedrooms and hallway are nearly ready for paint--I just need to sand one more spackle spot and wipe everything down with a tack cloth, and then paint can go on! Grandma's room is about read for paint, and Mom's is about 3/4 of the way there. I'm hoping to pull the paneling in the dining room (three half walls) and the master bedroom (one whole wall) this weekend and get the walls sanded down. Then I can clean, spackle, sand, and wipe those two rooms, and they'll be ready for paint, too. Mom and Grandma are planning to come down for some good stretches of time, so hopefully the ball will really get rolling now.

I'm packing in the evenings at my apartment.... and I hate packing so. much. Hate.

Oh! Mom talked to the neighbor this weekend, and he found paint cans for the living room and kitchen, which is awesome--there's enough paint for the touch-ups I'll need in the kitchen, and there's a good start for the living room, where I need to re-paint a chocolate brown accent wall. And obviously now I know the formulas, so I can actually get a match on the paint colors. Maybe I'll get that deposit back after all.

Lessons in home ownership/renovation/common sense

2011-05-07T22:41:00.000-04:00

I spent about 12 hours at the house today--well, some of that was at lunch and at Lowe's. Whatever.

I learned a few things:

1. Don't dismount a ladder that is near the corner of a windowsill without paying good attention to your surroundings. Take it from me--or from my butt, which now bears an unsightly, oddly shaped bruise--and spare yourself the painful lesson.

2. If you ever need to scrub blood off your textured ceilings, use a spray bottle to spray the ceiling with a TSP mixture before you scrub. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that, but it's GENIUS. I finished the last of the blood today in about 1/5 the time it took me before. Hurrah! Bloodbegone!

3. Drinking beers while you work all day will make you very, very, very sleepy in the afternoon. You might even fall asleep in a chair.

4. I would rather clean someone's blood off the wall than someone's hair from anywhere. Oh man, hair is disgusting.

5. Louvered doors are a fucking bitch to clean. Seriously. Fuck those doors. They can go straight to hell.

6. 93.9 literally, truly, honestly plays the same five songs over and over and over again.

7. I could do without EVER hearing that commercial for the Speedy Beverage Club again. So. So. Bad.

8. I really need a contractor to start working. Like, now. Yesterday. THREE WEEKS AGO.

I also had a really amazing, touching encounter with a dude from Craigslist. (No not THAT DUDE. Hahaaaahahaha.) I hired this guy to pick up a washer and dryer from a friend and deliver it to my place. He charged me $30 (for the 25ish mile one-way trip), and I was planning to give him $10 extra. Then it turned out that my friend added in a patio table and a couple of chairs, and we didn't have any burly help on either end of the trip, so it was just us girls helping the Craigslist guy load/unload the stuff. So, I figured I'd throw in another $10. But then the bank only gave me twenties, so, meh, ok, I'll give him $60. So the guy showed up and was super nice and friendly and helpful. I handed him the cash and thanked him, and he looked at it, and sorta confused, asked, "Do I owe you some change here?" I told him no and thanked him for being so helpful. And he paused for a minute and then said, in a really sincere, totally not obsequious way, "Well, thank you, very much. That's an answer to a prayer. We weren't sure how we were going to make it this week. Thank you." He left just after that, and I went inside and cried. I can't quite verbalize all the reasons why, but it was just really touching. I really appreciated the opportunity to meet and have that encounter with him.

It was a good day today.

Contractor woes, to-do lists, and small victories

2011-05-04T13:10:00.000-04:00

CONTRACTOR WOES
As you may remember, I planned to have General Contractor Greg do the remodeling work on my bathrooms. We talked on the phone a few weeks ago, and he said he was in Florida but would be back in a couple days and would call me then. Well, a couple days passed, and he didn't call. On the day after he said he would call, his wife called and said that he'd been really sick in bed, but he asked her to let me know that he hadn't forgotten me and that he'd call me as soon as he got out of bed.

Two weeks later, I still hadn't heard from him. I wasn't sure whether to be worried about him or pissed that he hadn't called me. Plus, I was two weeks behind schedule--I'd hoped to have the bathrooms nearly done at that point! Anyway, I called and left a voicemail for him after two and a half weeks, and I sent him an email, too, because my realtor told me that he thought GC Greg was pretty good about his email. Three days (from the voicemail) passed and I hadn't heard anything, so I got the name of another guy from a partner at work, and I called him.

He responded right away--yay!--and said that he was definitely interested in talking to me about the project and that it sounded right up his alley. BUT.... he also said that his mom had passed away that weekend, so he would need to touch base with me later in the week. I mean, what can you say to that? So I said ok.

And then the next day, GC Greg finally contacted me. Turns out he'd had some melanoma spots return and had to have them removed. But now he's ready to move forward!

So now I'm in a pickle. I guess I'll just get quotes/bids from both guys and go from there. But in the meantime... I STILL DON'T HAVE A CONTRACTOR.

Sigh.

TO-DO LISTS
Anyone who knows me well knows that I like to plan things and make lists. Listmaking is soothing... usually. I've never really had a situation where making a good, detailed list didn't immediately make me feel better, where committing my little falling-asleep-oh-no-i-must-remember-to-do-XYZs to paper didn't make me feel more in control and able to figure out the details of whatever project I was wrestling. But this house... I... I'm overwhelmed with lists. Or, at least, there are so many things to do that I just can't think about all of them or I will go crazy. I have to rock some good, old-fashioned Scarlett O'Hara denial just so I can get through the day. And although that makes me feel better, I also worry that I will forget something major. WHAT IF I FORGET TO BUY A STOVE?! (Oh actually I do need to go do that.) WHAT IF I FORGET TO PACK MY APARTMENT UP? WHAT IF I FORGET TO... whatever.

But I generally know that the cleaning has to be done before painting, and painting comes before new flooring, and ripping up existing flooring comes before new flooring, and getting the bathrooms done comes before new flooring, and kitchen drywall comes before painting the kitchen, and kitchen drywall comes before the kitchen's new flooring, and new flooring comes before kitchen install, and... oh man I have a lot to do before July 1.

SMALL VICTORIES
I will take them where I can get them! I bought a new remote for my garage door opener, because no remote came with the house, and who knows how many there were and who had them. Given the blood-splashing, I don't want to eff around someone maybe still having a remote to my garage and hidden access to my house. So, a new remote!

I crawled up on a ladder to figure out how to make the remote and the opener "talk", opened the cover, and found....

a remote inside the cover. All righty.

Anyway, I managed to get the remote and the opener to "talk" so now I have a working remote! Holla!

Yeah. Like I said, SMALL victories.

Gas line troubles....

2011-04-29T09:08:00.000-04:00

I had an insurance walk-through on Monday, during which I opened the exterior furnace closet and noticed that it smelled gassy. I ended up calling the gas company, which sent out a technician right away. He tested a whole bunch of stuff and determined that I had a gas leak somewhere in my house lines... greaaaat. So he turned off the gas.

I called a place that he mentioned--and that's highly rated on Angie's List--and they came out the next day to assess the situation. When they got up in the attic, they pointed out that the addition to the house was essentially built around the second furnace.... so you can't get to some of the fittings unless you, you know, TEAR DOWN THE CEILING AND WALL. Cool. But luckily, they eventually determined that the pipes and fittings were fine, so we didn't need to do that. They re-piped the exterior closet, wrapped the pipe that enters through the brick wall, stuff like that. I didn't really understand it all, but I understand the $625 that I paid them. YEESH. But it needed to be done, and now it's done.

B is town this weekend to help me scrub and pick out paint and what not... she's so wonderful.

So, I still haven't heard back from General Contractor Greg. Either he's realllly sick or I got punked.

And... some "after"

2011-04-25T22:12:00.000-04:00

I quickly discovered that washing the ceiling with a rag was not gonna cut it, because the texture tore the rag out of my hands. So I had to switch to a scrub brush... which makes lots of spatters. I protected my eyes reasonably well, but I am just pretending that I did not spend two hours with spatters of old blood and TSP (trisodium phospate) all over my face. LET ME HAVE MY ILLUSIONS.

All geared up to scrub blood off the textured ceiling...

The end result is SO satisfying, though. I have a blood-free ceiling!!!

More "before"

2011-04-25T22:01:00.000-04:00

Ok, so continuing from the previous post. Turn around from that beeeeyootiful shower/tub combo, and you see the gorgeous other side of the guest bath. Mmm.. yeah. Oh yeah.

Now step out into the hall, and look up. Oooh... pretty! And they're all through the house, yessss.

Across the hall from the bathroom, to the west: another bedroom. This one will be Grandma's room. The carpet here is salvagable, phew. Dontcha love that lightswitch?

Exciting shot from a little deeper inside the room:

Grams announced that (a) the room doesn't need to be painted, (b) she doesn't want curtains but only wants blinds, aaaaaaaaand (c) she likes these closet doors. Hi!

Ok, moving north down the hallway, again to the west side, is bedroom #4. The carpet was pretty dirty, but it has cleaned up pretty well so far. I need to clean it a couple more times, until the water is coming out a little less squidocaustic.

The closet doors are off-track and busted up.

And there's no door handle! Look how nice and clean that door is. ....Not.

Aaaand here's what happens when you open the windows on a breezy day and one of your doors is doorknobless. Needless to say, there's no assembly left in that hole now. (TWSS.)

Almost every room needs some sort of drywall patch... this is an especially big one.

There's a linen closet at the northernmost end of the hallway. Again, no shelving.

Now to your right (east) is the lovely paneled master bedroom, with its not-hardwired ceiling fan and its boarded-up window. Ooooh, jealous??

These closet doors are also off-track and busted up.

And here's the master bath (the navy walls are a lighting trick). This bathroom is going to be gutted to the studs, too. We're also going to close off an exterior closet that houses a furnace (one of two) and the water heater, insulate the hell out of the closet, and put an interior access door to it in the master bath. The door (to the outside of the house) didn't even have a lock on it before closing. I can't believe the water heater is still there!

The vanity is outdated but doesn't seem to be in terrible shape... until you look inside. Lotsa water damage. Vanities ain't cheap, people!

There's a hole cut into the wall behind the toilet. Someone was nice enough to stash a plastic bag and a water bottle in there for me. Thanks!

Linen/overflow clothes closet in the bathroom:

Tub and shower combo. Apparently I neglected to get a shot of the end of the tub where the lip that's supposed to go behind the shower surround is instead in front of it.

Looking south down the hall towards the kitchen:

Another shot of the wood-burning fireplace in the living room:

There are three windows in the living room, and each one of them has some sort of paper wasp nest(s). We found one guy in action:

(He's dead now.)

At the south end of the living room (which is on the east side of the hallway, not the west, as I said in the previous post), the "before" shot of the carpet grunge:

And a "during" shot:

I've already cleaned this carpet twice (these shots show the first time) and will probably do it at least twice more. The water was still coming out dark brown on the second round. Ew. But it looks decent enough that I'm not going to put laminate down here--I'm going to take that savings and put carpet in the two back bedrooms, which were worse than I remembered and which didn't clean up well.

Oh yeah... speaking of the back bedrooms....

So there was this.

What does it look like to you?

Yeah.... that's what it was.

Blooood!

All over the back hallway wall and ceiling (and on the lightswitch and fuse box), on the wall and carpet in bedroom #1, and on the wall, ceiling, and carpet of bedroom #2. Really, really gross. And sad.

Moving on to more nonsensical things... more black Xs, on every single panel of the inside of the garage door. Ok....

It's not for sale anymore!

Me in front of the house:

So, there's lots (and lots and lots) of work to do, but I'm so excited to keep working and see progress.

Before

2011-04-22T00:40:00.003-04:00

Oh, I have so much to say and no energy to say it. I've been thinking nonstop about kitchen purchases (IKEA trip is planned this weekend to take advantage of the 20% off sale--though I need to do some number crunching to see if it makes sense to buy non-IKEA appliances, which will make the 20% off sale a 10% off sale BIG BREATH), and I'm feeling fairly comfortable with my general design decisions. Which are not fancy. I don't love the kitchen configuration, but there's not really anything else I can do without knocking down multiple walls, removing closet space from bedrooms, etc. So, a weirdly shaped kitchen I shall have. It's still better than the one I have now!

Ok. I have promised "before" pics. So here they are! But first, some explanation. The house is a ranch, and it's oriented in a great big L, with a hallway running down the middle the entire way. 3 bedrooms, including the master, are on the north end of the L. The master is on the east side of the hallway, along with the master bath. The guest bath is also on the north end and on the east side of the hallway. Two of the extra bedrooms are on the west side. Then the foyer is on the north west side of the hallway, with the long living room across the hallway on the east side. The dining room is immediately south of the foyer, on the west siiiiide. (Living room is opposite (east) of the dining room, with a wall separating it from the hallway). Next comes the kitchen, on the west side of the hallway, and the laundry room makes of the south side of the L's crotch. Then there are two bedrooms in a line t0o the east of the laundry room and kitchen, and after that.... the "fun room." (Yes, I am totally channeling Michael Scott. Shut up.)

Ok. Now for the pictures!

The enormous, filthy fun room:

(Wow. It doesn't look nearly as dirty and gross in this picture as it does in real life!)

Looking from the fun room into the hallway (the bottom of the L) (yeah, I hung my purse on the doorknob of furnace closet #1 so that it wouldn't be on the ground... the carpet is GROSS):

Bedroom 1, the smallest, just a general, normal bedroom. The carpet's still pretty gross, though. Like, there are a bunch of splatters on it (and the wall) that we think are blood. Mmmm! The carpet will be removed.

This is bedroom #2. Isn't this nice? All signs are pointing to some troubling domestic violence with the previous owners....

Hmm. I must have this picture upside down. Welp. You get the idea.

There's a nice walk-in closet in this one. I think I'm gonna make the room my treadmill room and the closet my office. I want to be able to just shut the door on all my paper.

Ok. Once you step out of bedroom #2, take a left, and do a little wiggle, you're at the crotch of the L. To your left is the kitchen, and to your right is the living room. Kitchen first:

The kitchen is kinda oddly large and yet narrow. The workspace itself is set up like a straight kitchen--no "work triangle"--and there's not really a good way to change that. Then there's just this big chunk of unusable empty space...

It was nice of the previous owners to take most of the cabinets. I mean, really. At least I don't have to demo them.

The laundry room is through that door thar. Also, see the ceiling? Yeah... that's grease. Mom scrubbed and scrubbed the wall around the door and finally said, "Jane, I think you just need new drywall." Ok! Let's do it.

The laundry room:

Laundry room windows at the front of the house:

Looking down the hallway from the threshold of the kitchen and the dining room:

Then pivot to your right and there's a big ol' pantry...

No shelving, though, thanks to the previous owners... The pantry extends out to either side within the closet.

With your back to the laundry room, you have a lovely view of the janky little pass-through from the kitchen into the dining room. Most of this wall is probably coming down. If so, we'll install a little breakfast bar on the kitchen side.

And on the other side of the wall is the delightful dining room! I'm going to sand and paint the paneling, rip out that disgusting carpet, install laminate, paint, put up curtains....

Now, if you go back to the crotch of the L and turn to your right, that's the south entrance to the living room (on the west siiiiide of the hallway).

Here's the north end of the living room, from the foyer:

Standing on the threshold of the living room and looking south:

Standing about in the same spot but turning left (north) and looking down the hall... Thanks for the Xs, former owners. I appreciate all the painting you've left for me to do.

Take a couple steps down the hall, turn to your right, and you've arrived at the lovely guest bath. Now who wants to suds up?!?

Ok, that's it for tonight. I'm beat.

Homeow(n)er!!!

2011-04-17T22:36:00.000-04:00

I did it, y'all. I made the leap.

Soon I'll start posting "before" pictures and decisions on kitchen and flooring stuff and all the other minutiae that's taking over my brain. But tonight? Tonight I am tired.

Laminate, laminates everywhere, and not a drop to drink

2011-04-10T15:07:00.000-04:00

I've been shopping for laminates, since (a) I can't really afford to do real wood, and (b) you really shouldn't do real wood on a slab anyway. As you know from previous posts, I found some laminates at Lumber Liquidators that was $.69/square foot, which would enable me to do *all* of the areas I want to do, so I went to visit those products yesterday. I also visited products from Floors to Your Home. Here are some pictures and thoughts on what I found.

1. Dream Home Utopia 6mm Sugar Maple from Lumber Liquidators:

I liked the color of this one, and it's $.69.

However, I noticed a dark joint line in the sample where the boards came together--that would drive me crazy. It happens in all laminates, but you notice it more with the really light colors.

See?

2. Dream Home Utopia 6mm Swedish Maple from Lumber Liquidators: This is listed on the LL website for $.69, but they didn't have a sample in the store. I'm guessing I'd have to purchase it online and have it shipped to the store for pick-up. I like it better than the Sugar Maple, at least online. But again, it's a light laminate. I really like the lighter colors, and I think they work better with my personal style, but I really don't like the idea of dark lines everywhere...

3. Dream Home Charisma 8 mm Old Town Oak: This wasn't on the website, but the store had a sample. It's $.99/square foot, which would add $450ish to the total cost (versus a $.69 lighter wood), but it's 2 mm thicker than the others, which feels and sounds nicer. But the cents add up quickly! I'm not crazy about oak in general, but this wasn't too bad. It still goes with the colors I've picked out, kinda, and it's darker, so the lines won't show as badly.

4. Dream Home Utopia 6 mm American Cherry: I hadn't marked this on the website, but I really liked it in-store. It looked a lot nicer than I would expect something this inexpensive to look. However, it's $.89/square foot, which would add $300ish to my cost, and it's still only 6 mm. The online reviews have a lot of pictures, though, and they're all pretty.

The color is much more red-orange, though, and doesn't go as well with the colors I was thinking of for the kitchen.

5. 7 mm Wild Pear: This is listed as being $.99 online, but it's $.79 in the store. The sample is very similar in color to the LL American Cherry one, but it's $.10/square foot cheaper ($150ish total), and I realllllly liked the large sample in store. Again, though, the color is more red, and I'm not sure whether it'd work with the colors I like for the kitchen. But I really like it... And it's darker, so it wouldn't show the dark lines as badly... And it's a smidgen thicker than the LL stuff...

7 mm Original Pine: This stuff is ok. Not wild about it. The salesguy called it a "plank style" and said the dark lines would look even worse with it. The price is right ($.69), but meh.

7.

Kronoswiss 7 mm Havanna Beach: I like this all right. Looks ok with the kitchen colors. It doesn't thrill me but it's not bad.

The website lists this at $1.19, but in-store it's $.89. It'd still be more expensive than some of the others, but it's a little thicker than some, at 7 mm, and color-wise, it'd be easier to work with.

Classic ?? mm Spanish Maple: This is $1.39, but it comes with an attached pad, so I'd save some money there. However, I don't know if the pad includes a moisture barrier--if it doesn't, I'd still have to get that, so it wouldn't save me any money, and this would be out of my price range.

I like the look of it, though--the pattern is neat and the color isn't too flat. And it has a 50-year warranty (versus 10 or 15 for any of the other products here)! The website says there's 847 feet in stock, which means I'd have to order more. I don't know for sure that that's possible.

Ok! So there are my major options at this point. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Moving forward

2011-04-10T13:21:00.000-04:00

The leak detection guy came out to the house on Friday to pressure-test the pipes, and he found no leaks. That's good, except... where is the moisture coming from, then? And why was the water meter moving? He said that the packing around the valve at the water main was leaking, so he tightened it, and that could've been what was causing the water meter to run. As for the other questions... he wasn't sure. We talked about a number of possibilities, but there was no real way to tell what's going on, if anything.

I called the inspector back and told him about the leak detection results, and we also hypothesized about what could've caused the high moisture readings in areas if there was no leaking pipe. Again, there's no way to *know*, and the possibilities ranged from weird coincidence (the bank de-winterized the house and left some standing water in an area near some of the staining, which could have occurred from previous, addressed water damage. It's possible that moisture got under the vinyl from the dewinterization, and that's what was causing the high readings) to "ahh the house is a cesspool!"

Then I talked to General Contractor Greg about all of the same things. He said that he looked at the house as if he were buying it for himself to live in, and he saw nothing that would make him hesitate to buy the house. But still, no real idea about whether the moisture problem is indeed a problem or just a weird coincidence.

Then I called Mom to tell her all of this info, totally expecting the usual Negative Nancy analysis about all the reasons the house is a bad idea. Instead, she listened carefully and then said, "Ahh, go for it." I thought she was joking. But she wasn't!

So after some more discussion and thought, I've decided to go forward and get the house. Closing is in five days.

OH MY GOD, Y'ALL.

To tile or not to tile...

2011-04-08T11:33:00.001-04:00

(Still ignoring the potential leak problem... leak detection comes out today.)

Grandma has requested that the new house have a walk-in shower, instead of a shower/tub combo, because it's easier to get in and out. I was planning on doing that in the guest bathroom, instead of the master, because how many guests want to take baths? And I like an occasional bath. But then General Contractor Greg reminded me that families would want a bath tub for kids or whatever. Oh. I hadn't really thought that far ahead. So now I'm planning to do a long/wide shower in the master bath, where there's now a (yucky) tub.

But I can't decide whether I should do an entirely tiled shower--including the floor--or whether I should buy a preformed shower pan and just tile the walls.

Doing an entirely tiled shower takes extra skill and labor in installing, because you have to build a shower pan that consists of installing a waterproof layer between two layers of mortar. The mortar has to be sloped 1/4 per foot, and you have to install a special drain with two drain levels. The materials aren't that expensive, but the installer has to know and be good at what they're doing, which costs some cash.

On the other hand, you can use a premade shower pan for the floor, instead of tiling the floor. That's easier, so it would save money in installation, but the pans are pretty expensive ($450ish+), and it doesn't look nearly as nice. Plus, the color selection is limited, so you have to work around that with your tile design. However, it's a lot easier to clean (soap scum on grout! ugh)!

Alternatively, you can buy tile-ready shower kits (or the component products) that come with a pre-sloped pan upon which you can directly lay tile. That way, you have an easier installation but still get the nicer look of an all-tile shower. There are two standard kinds: the Tile Ready® system by Tile Redi® brand (seriously with the different spellings? sigh) and the Schluter®-KERDI systems. But:

1. They're more expensive--$200ish more than the cheapest not-tile-ready shower pan, at least at non-contractor prices). Plus some extra tile cost, since you do tile the floor.

2. The better (Schluter) system is difficult to find, and I hesitate not to use the better system... why mess around with water damage?

3. They come in a smaller range of dimensions than do regular shower pans, and the shallowest available depth may be a couple inches too big for the space).

4. The drains are in the center of the shower, rather than at the end, where the current drain is--which means they'd require some additional ($) plumbing work.

5. They still have the cleaning issue, since you tile right over the floors.

At this point, I'm leaning towards preformed shower pan, because it'd be more inexpensive to start out with, it's easier (thus cheaper) to install, and it's easier to keep clean. But even as I write that, I think, "No, I'm leaning towards the traditional mortar bed method..." I'm worried that I should just spend the extra money and go for the nicer install if I'm doing this much reno anyway. Why do it half-ass? Bathrooms and kitchens are where the resale value is.

I don't know *what* to think about the tile-ready kits.

So I'm stewing. Any thoughts and ideas are welcome!

The Spins

2011-04-07T22:23:00.002-04:00

I visited Home Depot tonight to check out tile... ended up wandering for about an hour through aisles of tile, laminate, carpeting, bath stuff, kitchen stuff... My heading is spinning. There's so much to choose from, and I have to be so careful with my pennies. I have this picture of my head of a lovely, soothing place, and I'm so afraid that I'm going to pick stuff that just looks unharmonious and cheap. How am I ever going to get all the pieces of the puzzle put together?...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M GETTING THE HOUSE! Argh.

Oh yeah--the leak detection folks will be there tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Quote of the Day

2011-04-07T00:04:00.000-04:00

I met with General Contractor Greg today. He had lots of good ideas, and I want to do them all. But I don't have that kind of money. Soooo...

Anyway, Greg doesn't think there's a leaking pipe under the slab in the kitchen. He thinks there's definitely a leak back in the master bath, and I agree about that, but he doesn't think the house needs to be replumbed. I... I just... I don't know what to think. So I'm going to spring for the leak detection service, see what they say, and go from there. Greg encouraged me to do that, too, if only for peace of mind. What's another $350?... Payday is so close... but so close BEHIND me. :-/ If we can figure out where the leaks are, then we can fix them.

The coordination issues with my floor installer eased up big-time today, which is good for me. It's not as good for him, since part of the ease comes from his getting fired today, but it'll all work out. At least now he won't have to drive back and forth 2.5 hours every few days, and he can just come down and get the floors done. And it's much more likely that I can move in by June 1, which means $300/month savings in rent! (Just you hush about what I'm going to be shelling out for every other little thing I need for the house, just HUSH.)

It's a little frightening to realize how fast my reno budget will go. Three rooms, boom! Not much left.

Ok. It's all a little frightening. I still can't believe this is even happening. This could be my last reno-free weekend for a very, very long time.

EEEEK.

Solid, engineered, or laminate?

2011-04-05T15:37:00.001-04:00

(Ignoring the leak issue for the present...)

My plan was to do solid bamboo flooring on as many of the floors as possible. Until I talked to my potential installer last night and remembered I will have a slab home... it's difficult to do non-floating (i.e., solid) wood floors on a concrete floor. Blast.

So now I have to seriously consider engineered flooring or, worse yet, laminate, which I normally hate. I browsed the Lumber Liquidators site for some options, and found some good ones--some of the laminates even look pretty nice! Without having seen them in person, here they are, in approximate order (likingest to least likingest):

1. DUDE. The price is right. And, with the exception of a few bitter people, this flooring is reviewed overwhelmingly positively. I could do all of the areas I was hoping to do AND the "fun room" at this price!!!

2. I have no specific comments yet.

3. This one neither.

4. ::Whistle...::

5. Ahem. I will be editing these.

6. See the reviews for better pictures than the site provides.

7. See the reviews for better pictures than the site provides.

8. I kinda like the color, which obviously is darker than the rest I've chosen, but not so much the wider plank.... Looks fake-y, non?

Thoughts?

Inspection

2011-04-04T21:39:00.001-04:00

Today was the inspection. Everything was going well, nothing too unexpected, nothing too major... until we got to the kitchen. The inspector noted that the vinyl was stained from underneath in some areas, which usually indicates the presence of long-term moisture underneath. Not good. Even worse, the staining wasn't especially close to or apparently related to the kitchen sink/dishwasher area--which meant that there was probably a pipe leaking under the concrete slab. Bad. Even WORSE, the inspector used this little moisture detector thing, and it read high moisture on/near all of the stained spots and low moisture/dry on all of the non-stained spots and baseboards. Blerrrrg.

The inspector talked to a plumber buddy, who said you can call a leak detection service to locate the leak, and then you can either bust up the concrete and fix the leak, or you can bypass the plumbing and run new plumbing. You can put the new plumbing through the attic--where it is more likely to freeze--or you can run it through the walls, which means you will have to do some drywalling. Ugh.

I called the plumber buddy after the inspection to pick his brain about the costs of repairing such a leak, if it was indeed a leak, and he said, "Where there's smoke there's fire"--meaning, if the pipes were starting to go bad, leaks could happen anywhere at any time. Uuuuggghhhh.

Of course my agent said "No big deal! A few hundred bucks to re-plumb entirely!" He talked to a couple contractor buddies, who both suggested other reasons for the moisture and who both said it'd be pretty easy to fix. I was/am skeptical--he is, after all, trying to sell me something--but at the same time, just because he's selling me the house doesn't mean he's necessarily giving me bad info.

So step one: watch the water meter to see whether it's moving, since no one is using the water. If it is, there's a leak.

I called the water company and had a good giggle with the woman who talked to me about whether I'd need a brawny man to help me lift the lid to the little pit that the meter's in. "Well, I always need a brawny man, don't I?!" She was amused.

Anyway, we located the meter, noted its position, and went back a couple hours later. It had gone up a whole number. There's a leak.

In some ways, that's a good thing--we might be able to fix a leak pretty easily and inexpensively, if we can indeed replumb the house for what my agent thinks. He's going to get some quotes from his friends and I will question them in detail. :) If it had not been a leak, then... yeah, no. I'm not dealing with water from an unknown source.

I really like this house and think it's a good deal, even though it needs a lot of work. People keep telling me that it's a buyer's market and there's tons of other stuff out there, but... no. Really, no. I've done a lot of research--a LOT. And while I haven't actually seen 80 houses, I've seen a number of them, and I've seen a whole lot from the outside. And this one is a good 'un, and my offer was a good one. So if we can get the issue fixed relatively painlessly, ok. If not.... Tears.

So, more inspecting and quoting and dithering and thinking and analyzing and debating ahead.

Lowe's: Next on 'Celebrity Rehab'

2011-04-04T01:21:00.000-04:00

The Lowe's website is an alcoholic. I keep searching for "corian" and the website keeps giving me results for "corona". If only!

The bathroom is next...

2011-04-03T09:51:00.001-04:00

I'm having the same concerns about the guest bathroom, which at the moment has no bathtub (or wall behind the former bathtub), so it needs some serious work. My thought is to do the permanent parts of the bath in white/cream/tan/brown-y colors, which then can be dressed up with a wide variety of colors in a number of ways. That way, I can pretty easily change the look if I get bored, *and* it's a nice, neutral slate for any future home buyers.

I found a tile that I really love--it's $4.69 a square foot:

I could stretch my renovation dollars farther by putting a more inexpensive tile on the floor, like this:

That one is $1.99 a square foot... but it kinda looks like vinyl, doesn't it?

Then there are always the Lowe's and Home Depot options, which tend to run from $.98 to $1.99 a square foot, but I haven't seen anything that I particularly like. I could always, again, go with plain white (or cream?) tile. ???

Here's one from Lowe's that's about $.98 a square foot:

I also want to tile the bathroom halfway up (and the bath/shower area all the way to the ceiling), and that obviously increases the cost of materials. Plus, Grandma has requested a walk-in shower, so I'm trying to find a way to do that, but they all look cheap and yet cost a lot. I would love to do a tiled shower, which would be expensive, because it requires some special base building, and because the tile increases the cost of the materials. But it would look so much nicer...

So do I go basic shower/tub combo (or ugly walk-in shower) with nicer, pretty floor tile and probably a nicer wall tile and backsplash? Or do I go for the tiled shower and do pretty basic tile on the floors and walls--with maybe a nice backsplash for a little pizazz? (Note: backsplashes are expensive, so I would use it sparingly.) Or... something else entirely?

Ideas? Opinions?

Kitchen indecision

2011-04-03T09:30:00.000-04:00

I am struggling with ... well, with everything, but right now, I'm focused on the kitchen, since that's the first thing that needs to be done. I know that I want gray... but after that, the details get fuzzy. Here are some thoughts:

(1) I was initially considering IKEA cabinets with flat molding, light birch frames, and white doors. I liked them with gray and wood/sand color for everything else. But then I decided that I maybe didn't want to deal with making multiple to trips to IKEA, which two hours away...

(2) Then I found some unfinished cabinets at Home Depot which are inexpensive and which would look nice painted. But then I worried that dark gray cabinets would overwhelm the space, because the actual cabineted part of the kitchen is pretty narrow, so I thought of going with charcoal gray on the bottom cabinets and pewter gray on the uppers.

(3) So then I went tile shopping (pictures below) and found some great tile... and started to worry about cost. Plus, I'm still having trouble picturing the dark lower/lighter upper cabinets--and I'm having trouble picturing what color to do the walls and countertop so that it didn't look blocky and dully.

(4) Now I'm back to thinking of uniform dark (but not charcoal) gray cabs. I could do a plain white tile floor (inexpensive!) with white countertops (staining potential??) and white walls with a lighter gray trim. But I worry that would be too stark.... I saw this picture and really liked it.

Notice the wood floor and sandy/taupe-y walls. So now, another option is to do bamboo floors (which I'm hoping to do elsewhere throughout the house), gray cabinets, white countertops, some sort of interesting backsplash, and a sand/taupe color on the walls with white trim. And maybe a natural-fiber roman shade on the window above the sink? Or I could do gray cabinets, white floor, white countertop, interesting backsplash, and a sand/taupe on the wall AND trim. OR I could do gray cabinets, pretty ($$) tile floor, white countertops, interesting backsplash, and sand/taupe on walls with white trim.

I am concerned about cost, overall look, and resale value (to some degree). I'm worried that an all-white tile would be too stark, but it looks really pretty and clean in a lot of photos I've seen online--and it would be a lot more inexpensive, which would give me a little leeway to do other stuff I'd like to do. Thoughts???

Here are some photos of the stuff I liked at The Tile Shop:

This one's my favorite ($4.39/sq. ft.):

I am concerned about cost, overall look, and resale value (to some degree). I'm worried that an all-white tile would be too stark, but it looks really pretty and clean in a lot of photos I've seen online--and it would be a lot more inexpensive, which would give me a little leeway to do other stuff I'd like to do. Help! Thoughts???

Into the Void

2011-04-01T20:07:00.000-04:00

Three months ago, I would've laughed if someone suggested that I'd be a homeowner soon. Three months ago, I would've frozen at the thought of making decisions about inspectors and cabinets and bathtubs and flooring and earnest money and resale value and paint colors and sliding glass doors and furnaces and staining garage floors and loose siding and carpet stains... What happened? What changed?

Stay tuned for obsessive debates with myself about the minutest of details of my (maybe) upcoming home renovation (pending Monday's inspection), pictures of the ongoing renovations, and tragicomic stories about how I fucked something (or myself) up!

Welelelelelelelelelelelelelp

2010-01-21T20:42:00.001-05:00

I am Leslie Knope-ier than I care to admit.

Microblogging AHOY

2010-01-21T20:36:00.000-05:00

Why is hoarding so hot all of the sudden? It's the butt of every sitcom joke. WTF?

Facebook

2010-01-21T20:27:00.002-05:00

You know what? Fuck those people who are all "oh Facebook is so stupid and juvenile and fosters shallow and unfulfilling connections". Because Facebook has exponentially increased the joy in my life by making it easy to share thoughts and ideas and feelings and oh MY LIFE with people with whom I would otherwise have no way or energy to contact. Yes, sometimes it's just a little sentence here or there.

But sometimes that's what you need.

Confession

2010-01-21T19:48:00.000-05:00

I am afraid to educate myself more fully about things that are fucked up because I'm not sure how to live in this world when I am very, very angry. I suppose the answer is to take action, but I'm too lazy.

Random Thoughts as a Return to Blogging Splendor

2010-01-20T20:11:00.009-05:00

1. Never in my life would I have thought I'd be inspired by American Idol. Welp. Here I am. Also, boys who can sing--like, really sing--will make my panties just FALL RIGHT OFF. Also also, Victoria Beckham is surprisingly lovely and sweet. How did that happen?

2. Nachos are so delicious.

3. As is red wine. See above.

4. My work desk chair is starting to get an unusual crease... Ahem. Embarrassing...

5. To be continued.

Defeating the purpose by accomplishing the purpose

2009-08-10T09:03:00.002-04:00

I'm not really crazy about how my birth control has a two-prong protection against pregnancy. I'm cool with the first prong, which is the standard hormonal blah blah blah. Not so cool with the second prong, which entails me gaining so much weight that no one wants to sleep with me.

10 pounds in less than a month, dude. Eating just as I have been, without weight gain. I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life, and I don't know what to do. The other side effects of this method are very low or nonexistent, which is wonderful. But the weight gain is not so cool.

Why Georgia

2009-06-11T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
I'm just stuck inside the gloom

4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life
Am I living it right
Am I living it right
Am I living it right
Why, why Georgia, why

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feels alone

It might be a quarter-life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul
Either way

I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life
Am I living it right
Am I living it right
Am I living it right
Why, why Georgia, why

So what so Ive got a smile on
Its hiding the quiet superstitions in my head

Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say Ive got it down

Everybody is just a stranger
But that's the danger in going my own way
I guess its a price I have to pay
Still everything happens for a reason
Is no reason not to ask myself
If I'm living it right

Am I living it right
Am I living it right
Why, why Georgia, why

It's real?

2009-06-11T00:15:00.002-04:00

I've been chatting with a friend from college, Dan, on Facebook recently, about... well, a lot of things. Life, mainly. Self. Awareness. Hobbies. Etc. And he has blown my mind wide open, in a beautiful, genuine, real, and loving way. But here I sit, with my mind blown. It's uncomfortable.

2009-06-09T14:52:00.004-04:00

I discovered pandora.com a few months back, and I loooooooooove it. I usually listen to my "Brandi Carlile" station--Pandora puts together music based on the parameters that define Brandi Carlile's music, and then I get to enjoy it. It's a playlist, basically, so I've gotten to know most of the songs pretty well. One in particular gets me every time--it's called "Clean Getaway", and the lyrics are so apt it's scary.

I'm still surprised, almost on a daily basis, at how much I miss my ex-fiance. I don't miss the relationship, but I do miss him. I don't know if there's just something just broken inside me, if there's something wrong with me, that I continuously miss him, that I have this low-grade, constant ache, or if that's normal and it's just... loss.

Clean Getaway (Maria Taylor)
I made my place by the door
I didn't know what I was waiting for
Felt just like home
Except no grass, no yard, no pictures

I could see across to the park
And there were friends, they
were laughing hard
They looked just like my home
With no face, no name, no voice I'd know

I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
I finally made it
I made a clean getaway

I met someone at the bar.
He had a great smile and a great heart
He felt just like love
Except no fear of losing,
and it wasn't tough

I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
I finally made it
I made a clean getaway
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.

Doldrums

2009-05-29T12:43:00.002-04:00

I'm a big Brandi Carlile fan, and her song "What Can I Say" got me through a number of challenges in the last few years--particularly my split from my fiance, bar review, and my long job search. I thought when I got my job and things started looking up that I wouldn't feel that deep identification with the song anymore, or at least not for a long time.

Time's up.

What Can I Say
Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say

Try to burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
Seems no matter how hard I try
Feels like there's something just missing inside

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

Meee-ow!

2008-08-06T18:19:00.004-04:00

I got a nice e-mail today from Caroline, the woman in Career Services who really kept me going through my long, frustrating job search. In the e-mail, Caroline e-introduced a woman I'll call "Beth" and explained that Beth had recently sat for the Bar and was looking for a position in my city, blah blah blah, she hoped I'd be willing to share some thoughts with her. Then a couple messages later in my inbox, there was a very nice e-mail from "Beth," asking if I might be willing to chat with her about job searching. Lovely!

Unfortunately, "Beth" is a bitch. Clearly, she doesn't remember my name, and I doubt she'd even recognize me, but oh I remember her.

She is (or at least was) the girlfriend of an acquaintance's roommate, and shortly after I first met her, I had a very negative interaction with her in a class that we shared. Honestly, I don't even remember exactly what happened--I think I came in on the second day of class and accidentally sat in "her" seat, which happens, all the time, and it's effing irritating, everyone knew that your first day seat was yours and that you don't take other people's first day seats. But I remember she was such a bitch about it that I got shitty back with her (which, if you know me outside of this blog, really rarely ever happens, especially with near-strangers) and then called her the C-word later in retelling the incident. And then gave her serious stinkeye (which was definitely returned) the rest of the year.

It was just one of the things that you reflect on later and think, "Who ACTS that way?!?"

So anyway, I have no interest in helping her do anything other than walk in front of a speeding train. But I don't know how to professionally say that to Caroline, or even if I should. Maybe I should just grow up, get over it, and pretend that nothing ever happened and I have no idea who "Beth" is. I mean, it was over seats for class. Big deal.

But she just acted like such an entitled, evil bitch that I really don't want to help her, and I can't believe that I should.

At the same time, I don't want to just ignore the e-mails. I remember too clearly how hard it is to undertake a job search, especially when you feel like everyone else already has a job, and as much as I dislike "Beth," I have no desire to actually make her search more difficult. I don't want to be mean. I just don't want to help.

So finally, after a little deliberation, I sent the following e-mail back to Caroline (minus a few more personal opening sentences):

It’s so lovely to begin to be on the receiving end of these “any ideas??” e-mails (I just got a cold resume and letter from a total stranger at Tulsa!), but this particular one brings me a little dilemma, and I’m not sure how to handle it professionally. Seeing as you’ve always been my go-to question lady, I thought I’d just ask. Being that I attended IU Law classes at the same time as Beth, and being that IU Law is a small school, it’s not unsurprising that we had a couple classes together. I’m sure she doesn’t remember my name, as we were only introduced once, and I doubt she would remember my face, but the opposite is not true. Without turning into an 8th grader, let’s just say I had some negative interactions with her. I don’t want to be petty and unprofessional, but frankly, I have little interest in sharing my bucketfuls of wisdom (ha!) with her. I’m wondering whether a) that’s fine, and that’s why everyone warns you in law school to be good to your peers; or b) I should take the high ground or some other such cliché and agree to talk with her.

Any advice you have would be much appreciated. I hope that this doesn’t cut me off of the networking pipeline, because I really am eager to help in almost every case! I’m just not sure what to do in this particular situation.

So now I'm curious--what do you all think? How would you have reacted? What would you have done?

Word to the Wise

2008-07-28T14:17:00.003-04:00

Don't ever, ever, ever get life insurance--or any other kind of insurance--through Western & Southern Life. They're complete idiots.

Apparently once you assign your policy to someone else, you are not allowed to get information related to your prior ownership of that policy. That makes absolutely no sense.

Yes, that's my practice area...

2008-07-09T11:11:00.003-04:00

So here I am at work, reading a case for a petition... In a footnote (hi, Professor Bradley! I still read them!), the court in the case notes that the Medicaid Act has been called one of the "most completely impenetrable tests within human experience" and "dense reading of the most tortuous kind." State v. Hammans, 870 N.E.2d 1071, 1075 (Ind. Ct. App. 2007) (quoting Johnson v. Guhl, 166 F.Supp. 2d 42, 46 (D.N.J. 2001)).

Hahaha, yes. It's true. I should pull out this quote every time someone suggests that my area of law is interesting. While that's nice to say, very encouraging, you know, it's completely inaccurate. My area of law is important, and it's challenging, but it's not particularly interesting. Exciting, maybe (to nerds like me who like statutes and codes and such), because it's an ever-changing area of law, but interesting? Um. No.

I'm stupid

2008-06-16T18:52:00.005-04:00

I started back on the Pill recently, after having been off of it for almost a year. Before, I was on Ortho Tricyclen, which I liked all right--except for the weight that I gained when I started it and lost when I stopped it. So this time, I decided to try Ortho Tricyclen Lo, hoping that maybe I wouldn't gain weight and that I'd have fewer side effects in general. Well, when I gained 6 pounds in the first week, I started to get a little nervous, and I've been feeling apprehensive about how this particular pill is going to work for me.

Then, last week, I missed a pill, and a few days later, I started my period, kinda (girls, you know what I mean). I was pissed--I kept thinking, I'm going to have this weird semi-period, then a few days off, then I'm going to be done with the pack and I'm going to start my for-real period. What a bunch of bullcrap. So I've been debating whether I should do that or whether I should just skip the sugar pills and go straight into the next pack, which never worked for me before but who knows, it's a new pill. I sat down to do a little online research about missing a pill, etc., when it suddenly hit me: I hadn't actually missed a pill. I had forgotten that, although I thought initially I had missed a pill, I discovered the next evening that I actually had taken it--I just, ahem, had had enough to drink that I didn't remember taking it. (But seriously, what a good girl, remembering to take my pill!)

Anyway, after a moment of self-congratulation, I started to freak out a little. If I hadn't missed a pill, then why was I having this weird semi-period? Is this going to happen every time? Because that is just not ok. I mean, this is more than just "breakthrough bleeding." I can't be having this and then having a for-real period, too. I started to examine my pill pack and count how many pills I had left, to try to decide whether or not to take the sugar pills...

Oh wait.

The sugar pills.

There are only 4 of them left.

Yeah.

P.S. Read yesterday's post. Then read this one. Yeah. This is one of those ridiculous things.

Holy hell, it's been a while!

2008-06-16T00:10:00.004-04:00

Hey y'all! Didja miss me?

Hello? Hello?

[tap tap tap] Is this thing on?

Most of you reading this (all 0 of you) know that I managed to finally get a job, in the area of law that I wanted to practice in, with people I've discovered I really like, in a firm that so far has treated me well. I can't believe it, but it's true.

My personal life has been, well, typical. Usually ridiculous, always interesting; full of ups and downs, but always full.

I was reading through my old posts tonight (why? why? go to bed you big dum dum!) and laughed myself silly. Sometimes I am funny! Like, objectively funny! Can one be objective about one's own talents? Hmmm. A question for the ages.

Anyway, sometimes I forget that I'm funny--usually when my life gets a little static and I'm not meeting new people who praise me for being funny. Yeah, I'm a sucker for gratuitous affirmation. But how does one who is funny stop being funny? Is being amusing occasionally enough to have the self-identity of a funny person? And who decides that one is funny? I mean, am I only funny if someone else says that I am? If I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny, then am I really just deluded and annoying? (Well... yes.) So when I feel like I'm not funny anymore, like I haven't been amusing in a while, is that just my perception, or is it a perception that others share and that I have picked up on? And if it's my perception alone, then can it possibly be true? Or I am really just deluded and (maybe) annoying? (Oh like this self-indulgent post is not annoying, come on, self.)

My impression is that my particular funnyness comes from my willingness to exploit, for comedy's sake, the ridiculous things I do*. Because I really do do ridiculous things (hahaha I said doo doo). But, in making fun of these ridiculous things, and by extension, of myself, do I cement in everyone's mind that I am just a fool? Because I'm not. It's true, I do foolish things, I do silly things, I do ridiculous things. But I am not a fool. And sometimes I get the impression that my friends really do think I'm a fool. They are unsurprised when I do something foolish; they expect me to do something foolish. (Stop saying funny, ridiculous, and fool; jeebus.) They cease being amused by my antics and by my relation of my antics and instead are annoyed by them. They don't see me as a funny person anymore. Just a fool.

And that hurts my feelings. Do my friends even know me? Do they even want to know me, the real me? Do they notice when I do something unfoolish? Does it alter their perception of who I am? And, if they think I'm a fool, then what are they, to be friends with a fool? And what am I, for being friends with people who think I'm a fool? And why do other people from my past lives, with whom I did much more foolish shit, not consider me a fool, but instead see me as a complex, complicated, deeply funny person? And do they really think that, or do I just like to think that they do? And maybe, just maybe, should I just get over myself? I mean, really, do people think about me as much as I think they think about me? I'm guessing no.

What it all comes down to, I think, is this: am I anything if I'm not funny? And if I'm only funny because I make fun of my own ridiculous and foolish antics, am I anything if I'm not a ridiculous fool? So why should I be upset when my friends think I'm a fool? Shouldn't I feel affirmed? If I feel hurt that my friends think I'm a fool, then do I really believe that I'm funny? If I don't believe that I'm funny, then who am I? And am I not a little old to be having the "who am i?" internal debate? Aren't you supposed to have this shit figured out by the time you're 30?

Yes. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

*Like leave my ticket for the Jack Johnson concert on the kitchen table. And not realize it until I'm walking up to the venue. After sitting in traffic for an hour.

Job update & sinus talk

2008-01-23T12:40:00.001-05:00

Ok, so by now, most of you probably know that I'm waiting to hear whether Firm A wants to give me an offer, and I don't expect to hear anything from A for at least another 2 or 3 weeks. You may also know that I got two more interviews yesterday, and I've scheduled them within the next week. If you didn't know that, well, now you do! Cross your fingers for me that something comes through.

And now on to what I really wanted to blog about: my new neti pot!

Ok, so a neti pot is this thing that you use to clean out your sinuses, basically: you fill the pot with warm, slightly salted water, you tilt your head over a sink, you put the pot's spout in one nostril, and you let the water flow in one nostril and out the other. I know it sounds weird and uncomfortable, and it kinda is, at least the first time you use it. But OMG, y'all. I can breathe. I can smell things! I can BREATHE!

I don't think I often talk about how little air I can actually take in through my nose--I often end up mouth-breathing, because I just have little tiny sinuses. Or so I thought. I am breathing through my gloriously clear nose right now! My head and face feel about 5 pounds lighter! It feels awesome. I am a convert.

If you have allergies, or sinusitis, or if you get a lot of colds, or if you often just feel stuffy.... try this. Seriously. I know it sounds weird, but it's really safe, easy to get the hang of, and EFFECTIVE.

Verizon Wireless

2008-01-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

I think it's really interesting how, since Verizon Wireless has stopped including detailed billing that shows when I made calls, my cell phone bills have skyrocketed so that I have significant overage charges each month, even after upping my plan. My cell bills have been $100+ every month for the last 6 months.

El Oh El

2007-10-29T00:00:00.001-04:00

http://view.break.com/388549 - Watch more free videos

When I saw this, I laughed so hard I scared Puck. Who does this exact thing when you scratch his butt juuuuust right.

Fuck you, Bush

2007-10-23T01:17:00.000-04:00

I've been engrossed with the wildfire situation out in SoCal, mostly because I've spent a good amount of time in the areas where the fires are burning, and because, well, fires are scarier than holy hell.

I came across this quotation in an online news article, and I was instantly furious. "White House deputy press secretary Scott Stanzel said in an e-mail that President Bush called Schwarzenegger to make sure the state is getting the help it needs."

I'm so glad that, when rich white fucks--many of whom refused to evacuate when ordered to do so--are losing their ridiculously expensive houses to a sort of natural disaster, President Bush makes personal phone calls to the governor to make sure the governor's all set. But when it's poor folks on the Gulf Coast, ah, let 'em swim. He'll blame the governor for anything that goes wrong.

Fuck you, Bush. Fuck. You.

Cheese and pickles... again.

2007-10-17T00:28:00.001-04:00

How does one make a grilled (a.k.a. FRIED) cheese-and-pickle sandwich when one discovers that her bread is moldy?

Why, dredge the pickle slices in a bit of flour and breadcrumbs and fry the crap out of them directly. Top with cheese. Mmmmmm.

Seriously. I am that much of a bachelor that I don't have any non-moldy bread.

Except, do bachelors keep breadcrumbs around?

Kid Nation

2007-10-04T23:19:00.000-04:00

Also, how disturbing was the opening scene of Kid Nation this week? 10-year olds talking about needing to "party on!" and then doing shots of some clear soda, chugging root beer, doing root beer boilermakers... So disturbing that, for children, the notion of cutting loose and relaxing revolves around the overconsumption of the only mind-altering substance readily and obviously available to them, and in a manner that so closely mimics fuh-realizies binge drinking. Like, I'm all for binge drinking--Lord knows I have done... and do... my share. But, um, can we at least wait until, like, sixteen? Or nineteen?

How do these kids even know what it looks like? I don't know, but it's seriously disturbing. Go watch it.
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/video.php?mode=episodes&episode=3&autostart=1

iTunes

2007-10-04T22:55:00.000-04:00

iTunes is driving me crazy. There's a new version to download every. single. time. I open it--which, admittedly, is not more than once a week, because I don't like the application that much anyway... in fact, I would say I dislike it, but I'm too lazy to research, download, and learn another application and necessary software.

And it takes a long time to download the .exe updater file, and then it takes a long time to install it, and all I even fucking wanted to do was to see if I already had some Styx song. But if I don't get the new version, then I start to worry that there's some vulnerability, and then I start to obsess about how my version will soon be obsolete, and oh man this laptop is getting old, and if it dies I totally won't have the money to replace it, and then where will I be, because I have this DSL contract and I won't even have a computer, and holy Moses, I don't know how to get around without GoogleMaps, and anyway I must have the newest latest iTunes, but wait a minute, I hate iTunes, yes, I do, because updating tags takes so freakin' long and and because the data fields are limited and unwieldy and because somehow my playlists always get erased and because it takes a long time to load and uses a lot of RAM or whatever, and wowza, I really don't know that much about computers and wouldn't it be nice to have a Mac again, and do they even call them Macs anymore or is it just Apple whatevers?, and, well, regardless, I would like to have one except for the whole touchpad clicker thing, you have to actually push the little bar to click on something, and that always irritates me because it's rather inefficient, and there's nothing I like more than efficiency, which is funny because I am possibly one of the least efficient, or shall I say most inefficient, people around but what can you expect, my mother is a German teacher, after all, and if there's one thing German people are, it's efficient, and for FUCK'S SAKE hasn't this updater finished downloading yet?

Jesus.

So glad I don't live there anymore...

2007-09-14T13:57:00.000-04:00

Today is the 45th day after my move-out from my old apartment complex, and under Indiana law, a landlord must return a security deposit, minus any amounts applied to damages and unpaid rent and stuff, "all as itemized by the landlord with the amount due in a written notice that is delivered to the tenant not more than forty-five (45) days after termination of the rental agreement and delivery of possession." I read the statute as clearly stating that the tenant must receive the returned deposit within 45 days, but because I don't have access to Lexis-Nexis or Westlaw anymore, I can't do much easy research into whether courts construe "delivered" to mean , essentially, "tendered," so that there's basically a 3-day window for mailing, like the one for service and stuff.

Anyway, I called my complex today and asked about the deposit, and the woman told me that the deposits are mailed on the 45th day. I laughed and said that wasn't really in compliance with the law, but ok, I just wanted to make sure I was getting my money. She got all shitty with me and said, "That is the law in Indiana, we have to mail it back to you within 45 days," blah blah blah, and I wanted to call her a stupid bitch. But I didn't.

But seriously, aside from this, their policy is to keep my $1000 as long as they legally can, for no fucking good reason? Fuck them. When I moved out, my apartment was cleaner than it had been when I moved in--for sure. I remember that my mom and I spent two days cleaning that thing (and killing spiders), and that's after we had the management send over their cleaning lady to at least clean the bathroom, since there was a humongous crusty shit stain in the toilet. Clearly the apartment had not been cleaned, as the management asserted. Anyway, the woman who did my walk through at move-out said a couple times, "I wish all the apartments looked like this when people moved out!" My move-out sheet said everything was in the same--or better--condition than it was when I moved in. And I know they had someone moving in the next morning at 7:30 a.m. Clearly my apartment was in good shape, and there is no legal basis for any deductions--the statute is pretty tight. S o it's not like they're hanging on to that money because they're using it for repairs. I just think it's shitty to keep the money as long as possible. Assholes.

So you can bet that I will be getting some Lexis access if I get that deposit back and there is anything deducted. Because FUCK. THEM.

Gossipy boys are worse than gossipy girls

2007-09-10T10:22:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed I took down the previous post... I did so for a couple of reasons. One, things may have changed, or were never as stated, and that's a little embarrassing (although I'm going to fill you in, so what's a little embarrassment between friends?). Two, I friended a co-worker on Facebook, so I wanted to be a little careful about talking about other co-workers. I did remove the blog address from Facebook, but... you never know.

[Note: I'm changing names--no more initials. Too easy!]

1. So Person A, the one who told me that he'd had conversations with Person B about how B really liked me, casually told me the other night that he thought B just liked me as a friend. This was literally two nights after he told me, repeatedly and emphatically and of his own volition, that he was sure B liked me--because B had told him so, in a couple different conversations. Uh, ok. And then A told me, "Yeah, I told B that I think you have the hots for him." Oh, OK, I get it. You tell me that B likes me, and you tell B that I like him, when neither of us have said that or anything like that. Awesome, thank you. (When I asked A why he'd thought--and said--that, he said, "Well, you were all smilin' at him when you talked to him." Imagine. Me, smiling at someone when I talk to him. Must be love!)

I do like B a lot. But I'm not sure now, nor was I when this whole thing started, that it's a like. I find him interesting, funny, compelling. And it's easy to feel a little crush when you think you're the object of a similar crush. But a crush does not equal a like.

2. I went out with a bunch of folks from work on Saturday and Hot Guy was there. No sparks. We chatted for a while but no flirting was had. Sigh. Perhaps neither of us was in the mood, but I don't know. Something was just... different.

3. Apparently my interpersonal skills meter is not yet very accurate after all. Apparently I need to go back to forcing myself not to read anything into peoples' actions, to assuming that all interaction is benign and socially meaningless. Dammit.

4. Oh, also, apparently Hot Guy and Person B are BFFs. Awesome.

From the Dead Sea to the ... well, another sea

2007-09-04T21:22:00.000-04:00

There are so many fish in the sea, now that I'm out of law school. WTF, boys, where have you been? Suddenly I'm able to walk into a room and have guys call me a hot girl. Suddenly I don't have to pay for drinks. Suddenly boys flirt with me and intentionally bump into me and wink at me and give me those looks. Suddenly I am told that I am "the perfect woman"--smart, funny, pretty, and badass.

Oh, and p.s.? One of these fish happens to be Hot Guy from work.

I know that I shouldn't derive my confidence from others' opinions of and reactions to me, but damn it feels good to feel attractive. I'm a little shocked at how utterly devoid of flirtation my life has been for a long, long time.

Hot Guy flirted with me. Hard. Unmistakably. HARD.

I suddenly want to clean my apartment...

Ice cream

2007-08-29T12:39:00.001-04:00

The contents of my dishwasher, which I'm about to run:

12 bowls
15 spoons
12 glasses
1 plate
1 small saucepan

Apparently, all I've eaten recently is one (1) grilled cheese sandwich, some cereal, and a LOT. of ice cream.

The more you know...

2007-08-28T23:40:00.000-04:00

1. Tonight at work I was so excited to get a 15-top--finally, I felt trusted to take on more than 3 people at a time! (Wait, that sounds bad...) Finally, I would make some money! Yeah. Until I went around the table and found out that out of all those motherfuckers, only 2.5 were eating. 2 beers, 2 bottled teas, 1 brewed tea, 2 entrees, and a sushi sampler (which is normally only served at lunch). Less than $85 in sales for 15 people. And THEN the assface who paid for the majority of the bill (about $75) only tipped me $10. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with their service--I kept drinks filled, got the orders right, was pleasant, was attentive without being overly attentive . Jerkoffs.

2. I have such a boner for this guy I work with... Sigh. He's 27, blondish, with nice muscles--the kind you can see but that aren't obnoxious or like "hey I work out for 4 hours a day!" He studies a lot--because he has to get a 4.0 for 3 semesters for his program--in organic chemistry and shit like that. So he's smart. He's funny. He's friendly. He made me snort today and then was excited that he had. Oh, and, he's totally sexy. Also, did I mention that he's sexy? Because he is. We shared the same sidework tonight, and as he was showing me where something was, he put his hands on my shoulders for a few seconds, and I just wanted to turn around and rub my boobs on him. I think I love him.

3. Apparently I am horny. Just so you all know.

4. I've been on the Pill for about 8 continuous years now, but I haven't taken it for the last month because I got my pill packs all screwed up and figured I'd just restart next month. Anyway, I'm now really wondering if I want to go back on. My skin is better, I lost a couple pounds almost immediately (although have regained them as I continue to subsist almost wholly on grilled cheese sandwiches and ice cream...), I feel inexplicably better somehow, and, well, I'm horny! I mean, that's not really a good thing, since I'm not getting laid and have no real prospects for getting laid, but I feel like a fully functioning human being again! I didn't fully realize that I just haven't really been attracted to many people in a very, very long time--and I used to dig, well, many people. So it's kinda refreshing to all of the sudden be lusting after someone at work or after someone running down the street in only his shorts (to whom I said, in the privacy of my own car, "Oh uh HUH, THAT'S what I'm talking about!") or whoever. I feel like I'm suddenly coming out of a fog. And I'm not sure that I want to go back in. Which is really going to limit my future prospects for getting laid... Sigh, a catch-22.

5. Sorry for all these wicked overshares. Welp!

Sniffity sniff

2007-08-22T01:44:00.000-04:00

My God I miss my friends. Not that the ones here in my new city aren't wonderful, because they are, and they're some of the best friends I can imagine having! But I just finished a nice long chat with my friend H, who worked at the restaurant with me for almost two years, and I fucking miss the shit out of her. Starting work in a restaurant again has really reminded me of how fantastic "the" restaurant was--our kitchen was immaculate and deep cleaned every night, our kitchen staff fucking rocked, our front of the house staff worked damn well together. We were a small, tight, rarely-changing team, and you just don't find that in most restaurants. We were all there for the long haul--I mean, for crap's sake, my boss punished me with shitty sections for the last two months before I started law school because I dared to leave. I wasn't supposed to leave! We were supposed to all be together forever. (Or at least until the state shut the place down for the owners' failure to pay their sales taxes, but that's another story for another day...)

That was such a special time in my life, and it's just... over. I feel sometimes like I have had many fragmented lives, like all the different parts of my life are separate and almost mutually exclusive, and I just ache to return to some of those times occasionally. I miss the people from those periods, I miss the parts of my life that I fear I'll never have again. I'm afraid I'll never again work with a small group of people who know me almost as intimately as one can be know--and who still want to get drunk with me after work. I'm afraid I'll never feel the closeness I felt with the people at the restaurant or the people who sang with me in choirs or the girls in my boarding school dorm. I'm afraid I'll never feel like an important part of a group, a team, again. I'm afraid no one will ever depend on me to really come through for them again.

I just miss some shit so friggin' acutely. I miss it so hard it hurts in my gut and in the middle of my chest. I miss it enough to not be able to breathe sometimes. I miss the old restaurant--I really loved that place (minus my fucking bitch boss). I loved how it looked and how we all sat around together on rainy late fall days when it was gray outside and gray inside and no one was coming in for dinner and all we had to do was sit in the lounge* and look outside or at each other. It was so peaceful, and contemplative, and not at all lonely. We were all in it together. I loved the restaurant as we all trickled in to start our sidework before we opened, when some of the lights weren't on yet so we slid the silverware out from under the napkins which had covered them for the night and righted the upside-down water glasses and set out wine glasses and B&Bs in the muted light from the skylights** and the windows, and everything was quiet and still. I loved the restaurant late at night, after all the guests had gone home and the kitchen had been cleaned so we had to stay out of it for fear of leaving footprints on the floor and thus incurring Sam's wrath and the lights in the back were off and and going to the bathroom was a little scary because what if the restaurant really was haunted and the bar*** lights were low so that everything just kind of glowed and we were all hunched over the bar in our own worlds quietly sipping our shift drinks and calculating our tipouts and completing our [OMG I can't remember what our reports were called, they had a funny name] and then we began griping individually about the shitty tables we'd had and then as a group about the fucking mistake one of us had made and then suddenly we were giggling and pulling out the journal and memorializing the event for us to laugh at later and then we were laughing ourselves out of our chairs, and it was dark, and we were together, and it was wonderful.

I miss those people so much, I miss that feeling of togetherness, of oneness, of belongingness. I'm so afraid I'll never have that kind of experience again. I really truly loved my co-workers, they were my family. And I miss them all so much. Some of us have moved, and some of us have just moved on, and it's so painful to remember and to so desperately miss and to know that I'll never have it again.

* The lounge:

** The view from the ramp: tables 31 - 35 (and 40 and part of 41), the hostess stand, bar, the lounge. Sunlight. It looks like this picture was taken in early afternoon, which was earlier than we would've usually been there. We had to be there at 5 MI time (4 IN time), when the sun was a little lower and a little more golden, and the patches of light were more diffused. It was so peaceful.

*** The bar. I spent many, many hours laughing and occasionally crying here.

I suck

2007-08-20T13:08:00.000-04:00

Every day I go to that restaurant, I hate myself more. I have a fucking law degree and I'm making shit money waitressing. I did that quite well before law school. I hate myself.

Triumph over the garbage disposal / cleaning tips

2007-08-14T14:19:00.001-04:00

I was in a bit of a cleaning kick this morning, and although I didn't get that much done if you measure the work by volume, I did achieve a great victory. My kitchen sink--which is pretty trashed and looks filthy even if I've just finished scrubbing the hell out of it with Comet--has had this awful, musty, dank, nasty smell emnating from it since I moved in. At first I didn't know what to think about it. Then I started to worry because it seemed like it was coming from the non-garbage disposal side, which might mean there was pipe trouble. Then I thought that it might be my faucet somehow, because we discovered it was leaking under the sink. However, the repair guy came and replaced the faucet and sprayer, yet the smell continued, so it wasn't that. Then I wondered if it was just pile of dirty dishes I'd let build up in the sink. No, I remembered that the smell had been there pre-dishes.

Then I realized that the little silver drain catcher thingy was just in the wrong side of the sink and that the garbage disposal side was actually the one stinking to high heaven. So I poured baking soda and vinegar down there. It still stank. Bleach. Still stanky. I scrubbed out the sink with Comet and scrubbed the rubber seal (the top of it at least). Still stanky. Boiling water. Still stanky.

I went online and did a couple quick searches and saw that people recommended throwing some ice cubes* in the disposal and turning it on, which would help dislodge any gunk that was stuck on the blades or maybe on the underside of the rubber seal--everyone seemed to agree that the gunk was the cause of most disposal stink. That made sense, but too bad my couple of ice trays probably wouldn't be full of ice since I had no idea where they were.

Wait. I have an automatic icemaker now. W00t!

So I packed the disposal with ice--I wanted to get it really full in case the gunk was on the underside of the rubber thing--and flipped the switch.

HOLY. CRAP. All this brown sludge was suddenly seething right below the drain opening. Sick. I seriously gagged--no wonder the disposal had been smelling. So gross.

I turned the water on once it sounded like the ice was mostly crushed. Aaaaaand brown water started backing up into the sink a little. (Which, if you'll remember, I had just cleaned and disinfected. Sigh.) So, I turned off the disposal and the water, feeling a little panicky. The water sat there. I thought for a minute, shrugged, and turned the water and the disposal back on. Brown water splashed out onto my previously-clean sink and counter. Nice.

But then I heard the disposal clear and the water slurped back down the drain! So I repeated the whole process with the rest of the available ice, and then I poured a bunch of hot water down the drain and stuck my head in the sink and sniffed. No funk! It worked!

I poured a bunch more baking soda and the rest of my vinegar down there, just to clean it a little more, but I fixed it! I fixed it! Triumph!

* I also read a tip suggesting that you freeze some vinegar into ice cubes and use those in conjunction with baking powder when you clean the disposal with ice--I think that's such a brilliant idea.

P.S. I really love to clean with vinegar and baking soda. They're non-toxic and really effective.

The best part of training...

2007-08-12T23:45:00.001-04:00

The best part of training for my new serving gig is how I get to "follow" a server--who apparently does everything in his power to hide from me, especially when I have a question or want to do something other than take dirty plates from a table-- and then take some of his tables by myself and then get absolutely none of the tip. That's awesome, I love it so much.

I rang about $300 in sales on 2 tables for him tonight, and he didn't give me a fucking penny. "He" rang $1400 in sales, and I made minimum wage. I made him at least $50. I made about $35--all night.

And then he ate most of the $50 worth of food that I get to order each night of training, so although I got to taste it all, I didn't get to take any home.

ASSHOLE.

Jason Bourne Identity

2007-08-08T00:47:00.000-04:00

Ok, normally I don't really like Jimmy Kimmell--ok, make that "kinda detest"--but this is pretty funny. Make that "really funny."

In other news, I got a waitressing job today so I can pay the bills while I wait for my real job/life to apparate. Getting hired on the spot does wonders for one's self-confidence.

Now.... Accio real job!

Yo

2007-08-04T01:56:00.001-04:00

Hey all, I'm back.

And I miss making movies so bad I can taste it. Why did I stop?

Biggest regret of my life.

A Cad Conned the Juri Pro Se

2007-07-22T16:59:00.001-04:00

I really, really hate that I'm using this.

Coffee

2007-07-22T10:34:00.000-04:00

Five days ago, I bought a large (which is really a medium) iced coffee from a local coffee chain. I drank it, yum yum, and then a while later began to shake.

Three days ago, I bought a venti (the largest) iced coffee from Starbuck's. I drank it, yum yum, and then a while later felt a little shaky.

Today, I bought a venti iced coffee from Starbuck's. I drank it, yum yum, and.... nothing.

Awesome, I'm addicted.

And here's how the 8:30 a.m. exchange at Starbuck's went this morning:

[At the drive-through speaker:]
Me: May I have a venti iced chai with a little cream, light ice, and 2 packets of the blue sweetener stuff?
Starbuck's employee: Uhh.... let's see, now, uhh, ok, that was a venti iced chai with what now? Cream and....
Me: Oh my God, wow, I'm sorry, no, I'm so tired. That's gross, what I just ordered.
Starbuck's employee: [laughs, relieved]
Me: Ok, how about an iced coffee instead of an iced chai... that makes more sense, doesn't it?
Starbuck's employee: [more laughter]
Me: Wow, gross.

A must-see

2007-07-21T17:43:00.001-04:00

Holy. Freaking. Shit.

Rusty

2007-07-21T13:04:00.000-04:00

This is one of my favorite viral videos ever, and it's totally what I'm going to be like on Wednesday after the bar is OVER.

Oh good God I'm back again

2007-07-20T17:18:00.000-04:00

Ok, here is how my day is going:

- Make a (1) (one) flashcard.

- Check email (both accounts); check Facebook page (if received an email notification); check celebrity gossip website; check Yahoo for new news items; think about posting a new sentence on blog.

- Make a (1) (one) flashcard.

- Eat 7 (seven) cookies.

- Repeat internet ritual.

- Make a (1) (one) flashcard.

- Stare blankly at BarBri book.

- Brainstorm possible non-legal careers which would be lucrative enough to pay student loans; come up with diddly squat.

- Eat another cookie.

- Repeat steps 1- 9.

Rage

2007-07-20T16:54:00.001-04:00

That is all.

More acronyms

2007-07-20T14:38:00.001-04:00

How about this one, for the requirements for negotiability?

W'SUP, I'm Fucked! No Problem.

Because I really, for real am, especially when it comes to Commercial Paper.

Pet peeve

2007-07-20T10:55:00.001-04:00

I really, really hate it when people are trying to say "for all intents and purposes" and instead say something like "for all-intensive purposes," as Sen. Judd Gregg, R-N.H., recently did. http://www.salon.com/wire/ap/archive.html?wire=D8QG7UH00.html

It bugs me when they screw up other idioms, too, but I can't think of any typical ones right now. This one will have to suffice.

Acronyms

2007-07-19T18:28:00.000-04:00

Panic sorta set in today as I attempted a couple of the state essays and totally bombed them. Apparently I have been sorta kidding myself about how much I still have to learn in the next 3.75 days. Oh my God. 3.75 days.

So I'm at least trying to come up with some amusing, and therefore memorable, acronyms to help my remember certain lists of factors. Sometimes I also have to come up with a related phrase to cement the acronym to the subject--because random acronyms are really not that helpful.

Example: the acronym for a list of the common bases for non-resident submission to personal jurisdiction: M.C. BIIIRDS--homie's flyin' to court!

Guaranteed I will be cracking myself up--and pissing off people like Shusher--all through the essay half-day!

You Can Do Ehhht!

2007-07-19T14:25:00.000-04:00

This one goes out to all my fellow bar preparers--we're almost done, we can get through this last push! You can do ehhht!

http://tonylittle.ytmnd.com/

Ignorant contradictions

2007-07-18T18:24:00.000-04:00

I've been doing a lot of comment reading on passiveaggressivenotes.com lately--anything to procrastinate from doing more studying for the bar. There's this controversial dumb convention in the comments--and by dumb I mean totally juvenile and entertaining--to create a Team name and impliedly place yourself on the team. Usually the team is related to the subject of the post, though not always. For instance, one of the posts was a picture of a crazy letter that a babysitter had written to the dad of two of her little charges, basically telling him to go to hell for asking her to fill out a short form about what happened with the kids each day. In the comments, people started allying themselves with Team Babysitter or Team Dad. I don't usually go in for the easy Teams like that, I like to get on the funny Teams, but whatever, you get the picture.

Ok, so there are always some people who are incensed over this Team convention, and they piss and moan in the comments about how stupid it is, blah blah blah, and then the Teamers and anti-Teamers have a little comment smackdown. Occasionally it's entertaining, but it ends up mostly devolving into "you suck!" "no, YOU suck!" "you suck more!" etc. Every once in a while, though, someone writes something that is unintentionally hilarious. Take this one, for instance--from an anti-Teamer:

And yes, the “team” shit is lame, and typical of Bush’s America where you’re “with us or against us” and you’re encouraged to make this same type of simplistic judgment about others. It’s infantile. Seems like you’re all just trying to help Team George root out the evildoers. Go get ‘em, Junior War Criminals Club!

Um? Simplistic judgment about others, what? Come again?

Splotch Watch

2007-07-18T14:39:00.001-04:00

I discovered that the large splotch on my hand looks like a square if I hold my hand just right. The small splotch just looks like a liver spot.

13 days and counting!

SIGH.

Annoyed

2007-07-18T14:00:00.000-04:00

Today I checked the website of that firm I had applied to a few weeks (4, almost to the day!) back--I still hadn't heard anything from them, no "thanks, got your resume," nothing, even after I followed up with a little "Still really interested, would love to talk with you!" email. I clicked on their "employment" link and saw that the notice of the opening was gone, so I checked the list of attorneys, and sure enough, they've got a new one. He's a partner, even, so clearly more qualified than I was--me with my no experience.... But still. Could you not have at least emailed me and said, "Sorry, we found someone?" I'm so annoyed.

So, cross that one off the list. I guess everyone's "good feelings" were wrong. :(

Hellish property question

2007-07-18T00:10:00.000-04:00

Man, am I hoping this property question won't be on the bar: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070717/ap_on_re_us/miniscule_tax_bill .

Yes. Yes I am.

More relocation nonsense

2007-07-17T11:05:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, I set up my new phone number online through AT&T. I was pleased that there was an online discount waiving the approximately $47 in connection fees, and I got to choose my phone number (although it wasn't guaranteed and I better not give it out to anyone until my service was turned on and working!), and all seemed well. Until later that day, when I attempted to set up electric service online and needed to put in my new phone number--which I couldn't doe, because remember, AT&T had warned me not to use that phone number until service was on, because it was Not Guaranteed, and the heavens might implode if I were to give it out!

So I figured I'd just call and change the installation date, no problem, right? It's not much money a month, so having it on a couple weeks early isn't a big deal, and it'll make everything easier.

Welp! Perhaps AT&T waives the connection fees (if you initiate service online) because they *don't actually order connection*. They send you an email with an order confirmation number, but they don't actually put the order in their system! Hahahaha! Whoopsie!

Yeah, so I called, and the first person I talked to had no clue what I was talking about, so she transferred me to someone else "who would be able to help me." That guy asked for my confirmation number. I started to read it to him: "JV22..." and he said, "Wait. WAIT. Your confirmation number starts with a J?"

"Yes. It starts with a J. JV, in fact."

"It DOESN'T start with an N?"

"No. No, it doesn't. It starts with a J."

"Let me get this straight. Your confirmation number doesn't start with an N. It starts with a J?"

"Uh. Huh."

So, yeah, AT&T had absolutely no record of my order, so I had to start all over again on the phone. Blah blah blah, can you hold, yes I can, hello I'm back, can you hold again, yes I can, hello thank you for holding, sorry can you hold one more time, yes no problem, thank you for holding, oh sorry can you hold one more time, and then, then: "Ok, that's going to be $47 in connection fees...."

Oh no, my friend, no it will NOT be.

I reminded the guy that I had already (ostensibly) ordered service online, where the connection fees were waived, and I suggested that I should not have to pay the fees because, even though I was now ordering on the phone, I was only doing so because AT&T HAD NEVER ENTERED MY ONLINE ORDER EVEN THOUGH THEY SENT ME AN EMAIL CONFIRMING MY ORDER WITH A CONFIRMATION NUMBER. Thankfully, he rapidly agreed and waived the charges.

So, an HOUR later, I finally had an order for my phone service connection and an order for my DSL transfer. Aaaaand the guy guaranteed my phone number, so I can go wild and give it out to whomever I choose!

Good thing I needed to change my order date. Otherwise I might've scheduled my DSL transfer, which then would have failed because I had no phone service, which in turn would cause AT&T (I have my internet with them, too) to charge me an early termination fee of $150, because I have a 1-yr DSL contract. Oh, yes, and they'd also back-charge me $15/month for each month of service I'd had, which would total probably almost another $150. And it would take probably 3 or 4 hours on the phone to straighten it all out, and multiple explanations to people who are testy with me because they don't understand me, because they're not really listening to me, all for something that was AT&T's fault anyway.

SIGH. Moving is such a pain in the asshole.

New favorite word

2007-07-16T23:18:00.001-04:00

Bullcrap!

Asshole Webmaster

2007-07-16T17:50:00.000-04:00

The other day, I made a suggestion via an online suggestion box on Indy's city web page. I'd been searching for some info about utilities and other relocation stuff, and I didn't really find anything obviously related on the Indy page. I thought that seemed a little strange, so I submitted the following suggestion:

"A section geared toward people who are moving to the Indy area would be really helpful. You could include: - a list of utility companies w/contact info, phone company, TV services, etc. - information about different areas/neighborhoods of the city - etc."

Today, I got the following email response:

Such content is handled by the Indianapolis Convention and Visitor’s Bureau (a non-profit that is independent of the City) which is prominently linked to from our “Visiting” page. The direct URL to that site is: http://www.indy.org/

Look under the Relocation section.

Thanks,

Steve Werner

Webmaster of Indianapolis
Information Services Agency (Northrop Grumman)
City of Indianapolis/Marion County
200 E. Washington Street, Suite 960
Indianapolis, Indiana 46204
(317) 327-7859
swerner@indygov.org
http://www.indygov.org/

Yes, I see. The *Visitor's* Bureau page is "prominently" linked. Like I am an asshole. Like I am a stupid asshole. This is the description that accompanies that "prominent" link:

"Indianapolis Convention & Visitors Association: ICVA's site, www.indy.org, provides current and official visitor information including attractions, sightseeing, arts, hotels, restaurants, shopping, transportation and destination highlights."

Hmm, let's see, I didn't want information about attractions, sightseeing, arts, hotels, restaurants, shopping, transportation, or destination highlights.... Come to think of it, I didn't really want VISITOR information... I wanted RESIDENT information! Why the fuck would I go look at that website?!?!?!? It doesn't sound anything like what I want!

So, instead of writing back something like,

Dear Steve,

You are a fucking asshole. Why in the fuck would I look at a page that you've described as having information about hotels and shopping, when I want to know who to call to get my utilities turned on? Fuck you, you mothereffing douche.

Love, Jane

I wrote and thanked him for the redirect, explained why I did not think the "prominent" web site would be applicable (without using "prominent"), and requested that he amend my suggestion so that it read more like "I suggest you amend the description of the Visitor's Bureau site so that it notes that relocation information is included!"

Am I just overthinking it? Or does it seem really stupid to expect people to go search a page about temporarily visiting a city in order to find information about permanently relocating?

The bar is making me CRANKY!

*Edited for typography and clarity.

**P.S. And ALSO, the stupid page that supposedly has relocation information? Yeah, it doesn't have any information about a gas (utility) company. And with a name like "Citizen's Coke and Gas," I would like to have an official link, please. I mean, I love coke and gas as much as the next person, but I am trying to pass the bar here.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-07-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

The insomnia has set in. I went to bed at 1:30 last night and finally fell asleep sometime around 5:30 or 6:00. Awesome.

The GERD feels really good, too.

Seriously, what the heck is it?

2007-07-13T15:23:00.000-04:00

Ok, my bruise/liver spot/personal mark of the beast/whatever is still kickin'. I've had it for at least 8 days now, with no pain, no changing of color, and no idea of what it is.

Is it the bar? Is my body reacting to the stress by discoloring itself? WTF?

THIS is why.

2007-07-11T17:30:00.001-04:00

This is why I'm terrified of the bird flu.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=250941

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Shake it like a Polaroid picture...

2007-07-10T16:50:00.000-04:00

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Please go watch this. It will cheer you up.

Weird bruise

2007-07-09T16:38:00.000-04:00

I've had this weird dark splotch (two, actually) on my hand since, well, I don't know when--I first noticed last Thursday night. I don't know what it is, and it's starting to freak me out.

(n.b.: photo adjusted slightly to compensate for weird lighting that didn't show the "bruise" in its full glory.)

At first I assumed it was a bruise, but (1) it doesn't hurt, at all; (2) it hasn't changed color since I first noticed it--no yellowing or greening or purpling or anything, just liver-spot brown; and (3) it's been a full four days! Wouldn't you think that a 4-day old painless bruise would have disappeared by now, or at least changed color a little bit? Do I have a huge liver spot? Some weird disease? The hiv?

Ah!

Cleanliness

2007-07-09T13:37:00.000-04:00

My new favorite blog, www.passiveagressivenotes.com, recently posted a series of notes about the ever-present roommate dishes issue. I commented a couple times about how I think sponges are disgusting* and the steps my family taught me in order to combat that disgustingness**. And then, my friends, I took a look around me and started laughing. For all my *yeesh* about the way dishes should be washed, I sure let them pile up. And take a look at my super-sanitary workspace:

Please note that there are more beer bottles than Diet Coke bottles. Yes, this is how my bar study has been going.

* See http://www.cnn.com/TECH/tomorrow_today/9603/sponges/index.html and http://www.webmd.com/news/20070625/top-spots-for-bacteria-at-home

** Use a clean dish cloth for each batch of dishes. Wash all kitchen linens separately from other laundry (oh my GOD washing dish cloths with socks and underwear is just GROSS). Use hot water and bleach, always.

Waiting tables

2007-07-08T17:46:00.001-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070708/ap_on_hi_te/dine_and_dash

I would've KILLED for one of these things when I was waiting tables! (Although it wouldn't help with people who want their bills to be split up 800 different ways.)

But even more than that, I wanted some sort of handheld, PDA-like thing where you could input the orders table-side (or at least nearby) and transmit them remotely back to the kitchen or bar. That would've saved so much time... all that time spent waiting for one of the two computers when I was stuck, again, behind the server who (a) didn't work often enough to not need to look at and read the touch screen, like the rest of us who could put in an order without even thinking, literally; (b) often wrote her orders down wrong or couldn't read her notes without her glasses, which she'd usually forgotten; and (b) liked to chat with customers, the bartender, other servers, or sometimes just herself as she put her order into the computer. Meanwhile someone else is putting in an order from the 12-top at the other computer, and I had three to five tables who had questions, were waiting on drinks, wanted cappuccinos (*$#%*!!!!), or were ready to order, in addition to the table whose order I was waiting, waiting, waiting to put in!

I couldn't leave the line to deal with all the other demands, because (1) I'd just have to rejoin it again at some point for that same order, and that doesn't make any sense; (2) I would probably forget that I hadn't actually put the order in, and that is no good at all; or (3) I would end up having a bunch of tables' orders to put in all at once, which would in turn earn me (a) really shitty looks from nearly every guy in the kitchen* the next time I walked in; (b) continuous insults--lobbed at me in English, Spanish, and kitchen Spanish--for the rest of the night; (c) increased "flirting" (a.k.a. eye-fucking and half-hearted attempts to grab me as I sliced bread or made espressos in the servers' station), apparently as a measure of comfort, from Marcial, the head dishwasher; (d) increased getting-in-my-way-ness from Marcial, who thought it was high-larious to put away dishes reaaaalllllly slowly when we were all losing our shit**; (e) an angry lecture from Sam, the chef, about the evils of improper table timing, either yelled at me during some particularly frustrated moment when he was in the weeds and blaming it all on me (and when I was likely just as in the weeds as him..) or tersely directed at me, via "reminder" to all front-of-the-house staff, the next day in our pre-service meeting; (f) some serious eye-rolling, under-the-breath table-side (!) insults***, and undisguised hostility from Eddie, the food runner (who was amazing at his highly underrated job and who I did not want to piss off, because he stepped in to save me when I was getting my ass handed to me on a platter--unless I had fucked up timing my tables, in which case I was on. my. own.); AND (yes the sentence continues) (g) the joy of getting triple-sat all night long, either because my tables would simply all clear out--and thus become available--at once because they'd all been timed to get their orders at about the same time (thank you, me), or because my fucking bitch boss was hostessing and took pleasure in seeing me run, sweat, and plead for help, so she'd purposely try to sink me.

*The dishwashers, line cooks, sous chef, chef de cuisine--they ALL got in on the stinkeye action. Only the salad/dessert guy returned my gaze with sympathy. I thought at the time it was because he had a thing for me--turns out he was just closeted and knew I was ok with the gay.

** Then when we finally snapped at him, he would halfheartedly slam a stack of plates down, throw his hands in the air, and stalk back to dish with clenched fists, shaking his head and muttering to himself in Spanish. I was never sure whether he was joking or not--five minutes later he'd be back to grabbing me by my waist, calling me bonita, and asking me about blowjobs (in Spanish, of course--he was delighted that I could understand him). Crazy Mexican. I loved that guy. I'm not sure why.

*** He'd actually insult me while I was answering a diner's question! He had an uncanny ability to speak in a really low voice that was completely audible, but only to the server, while he did not move his lips. He would take off the top plate covers with a grand flourish, and the diners would crane their necks to see all that marvelous Eddie had brought out for them and would ooh and ahh about all that delicious food--at the same time expecting me to finish completely and satisfactorily answering their inane questions/tests that usually showed how little they actually knew about food or wine. And the whole time Eddie is standing there grinning at them, he's telling me what a shitty server I am! Asshole. I really miss him, actually. He's hilarious.

After about a year of this--NIGHTLY--I finally figured out that I just had to make a couple tables wait. They just had to wait. They would get their food when I said they could, and that was all there was to it. Although I definitely pissed a few tables off, I grew pretty adept at intuiting which tables wouldn't even notice. As I got better at timing my tables, Eddie started to respect me more (which is to say, some), and his wife, who was the hostess when my fucking bitch boss wasn't at the door, started cutting me some slack and sliding me some regulars, who often liked to sit and show off more than eat--in other words, the longer their food took, the happier they were, as long as I kept the martinis coming.

I got to know all the regulars' quirks and dutifully accommodated them as if it were my job--oh wait--and in turn the regulars began to request me every time they came in. In a joint like that, you want the regulars--they're almost always heavily invested in appearing to be regulars, which means they tip well so you remember them and their quirks, and then all their sycophant friends think they're fantastic because the girl who makes her living by remembering what kind of olives they like, in what kind of gin, shaken for how long, just brought everyone their favorite drinks before they even got their napkins on their laps. You want regulars because then all you have to do is look at the reservation book and you know exactly how your night's going to play out. There's no waiting around, wondering if your 10-top is going to make your night or if it's going to be a no-show no-call and totally bend you over. There's no small talk with new tables, trying to figure out what kind of people they are and what kind of dining experience they like, trying to help them enjoy themselves so much they come back the next night and spend $400 in your section.

Best of all, there are no fucking two tops. That shitty table in your section can sit empty all night and you won't care, you don't need it, because you're flush with four- and six- tops, everyone's drinking, everyone's getting three or four courses and dessert. No fucking two tops, except for your favorite regulars, the couple who lives in the area and has a boatload of money and gets the same wine every time and is quiet and unassuming and totally lovely and quick. They ask for--and take--your sincere recommendations, they drink their two glasses of wine each, and they go home. And you're free to tend to the rest of your obnoxious, demanding section without running back and forth to the kitchen because they decided they do want cream with their coffee, and could my wife please have a refill, but with half decaf and half regular? And, oh, yeah, could we actually have Irish coffees? And, ooh ooh, how about some Sambuca to finish up--don't forget the three beans, ha ha ha! Oh, and maybe a dessert to go? What was the name of that wine we had three hours ago (the cheapest one on the menu), again? Could you write that down for us? Oh, and how are your cappuccinos? We'll have two. [To the table next to them:] Yes, doesn't that sound delicious? Everyone in the restaurant should have one! Where should we go see a movie tomorrow? How do you get to the theater in Three Oaks? Wanna hear a funny joke?

THAT's the beauty of serving regulars: it's steady, it's predictable, and they don't want to talk to you. They don't want you to exist except to make them look witty and generous. Even when you've got a regular party that is a royal pain in the ass--special-order everything, and I'm not talking "no tomatoes" or "no croutons," I'm talking "not too much salt, but not no salt, you know how I like it," or "whip up that special Bernaise sauce I always get," or "bring me that steak that's not on the menu" or "let's stay for two hours past when everyone else in the restaurant has left, including the kitchen staff"--you can plan your evening, you know what's coming, you know exactly what they'll ask for. You don't have to ask them anything about themselves--they're too busy pontificating to their friends. You don't have to really listen to what they say, either: you know to order their lamb mid-rare when they request medium because they have no fucking clue what medium actually is and they'll be horrified when they actually get what they've asked for, the chef knows what all their vague requests mean and won't send you back to question them further, you know that they say they eat low-carb but actually want the croutons and the not-low-carb veggies and oh yeah dessert, you know that they want parmesan cheese with their bread and cracked pepper in their olive oil even though they've never actually asked for either, you know that they don't want you to even offer them bread, you know that they want to try each of your drink features, you know that they don't even want to hear about the drink specials. You don't have to figure anything out, you just have to do it like you did it before. And then you make some fat cash. (Or credit card tips, which you won't receive for another 3-5 weeks, if ever, but that's a whoooole 'nother story.)

Why am I writing about waiting tables when I should be studying for the bar, you ask? Welp, aside from the obvious procrastination factor, I have a sinking feeling that I may be waiting tables again soon....

Making up for my deficiencies...

2007-07-07T21:46:00.000-04:00

I'm still slogging through the simulated MBE answers, going topic by topic, marking the ones I got wrong, and highlighting the reasons why. After I finish doing that for each topic, I add up the total number of questions and then count how many I got wrong.

For the first few topics, the ratios were, erm, BAD. Definitely worse than the overall average of where people who are "on track" should be. The strange thing, though, is that my overall score was higher than that "on track" average. So I wondered, what the hell is going on?

Oh, I see. Apparently I kick crim law's ASS. (I wish Bradley had thought so...)

Dude, I tested at 75% right. That's effing crazy. I don't know JACK about crim law!

Bird Flu

2007-07-05T13:17:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, I am terrified of the bird flu. I feel about the bird flu the way some freakshows felt about Y2K. In other words, I have thought, in depth, about how much water I should keep on hand, how much food, where would I run to, should I buy a gun, how will I get my medicine, how will I communicate with my family, etc. Granted, I haven't made any decisions about any of these questions, but the point is, I've thought about them. Extensively. One might say I've "worried" about them. (Who, me, worry? Nooo...)

I read every major "bird flu found in crazy 3rd world village; some poor teenage girl who played with chickens dies" kind of article. I haven't seen any in a while, but here's one!

http://www.salon.com/wire/ap/archive.html?wire=D8Q6AOG00.html

IT'S COMING!

I'm the best narrower-downer EVER

2007-07-04T18:55:00.000-04:00

I'm embarrassed for myself as I sit here going over these MBE questions. For so many of the questions that I got wrong, I crossed off one answer--just one--as definitely an incorrect answer. That's what you're supposed to do, play the odds, beat the game, etc. Except it doesn't work if you keep crossing out the correct answer.

Friends

2007-07-01T22:19:00.001-04:00

Every once in a while, I'm struck anew by what wonderful friends I have. Lately I've been burdening anyone with two ears with all my job- and apartment-searching tales, woes, insecurities, and concerns, and I know that I often repeat myself and obsess over some particular worry and just generally bore the pants off whomever I talk to*. But my friends have been so patient and so helpful and so wonderful, and I sometimes can't even believe that I'm surrounded by such amazing, giving, loving people, people who love me in spite--or perhaps even because of--my lengthy not-so-internal debates about everything from "what kind of law should I practice?" to "OMG can I stand to put shoes on every time I need to let Puck out OMG?" I had one of the best evenings tonight talking to my bestest friend, B, who I don't often get to chat with any more; and to another of my bestest friends, J, who's always delightful and the perfect commiserator and a super idea-bouncer; and to yet another one of my bestest friends, C, who is just one of the loveliest people I know and who is always looking out for me; and I almost got to talk to another of my bestest friends, JWD, whose messages are always hilarious and perfectly *her*. And last night I almost got to talk to bestest friend A, who is amazing and full of light and who always makes me feel like a better person just for knowing her!

And the fact that I have at least 5 bestest friends--and actually quite a few more, I just didn't get to talk to them tonight--whose advice and conversation I really cherish... I just feel so incredibly blessed. I don't use that word often, because I'm, for whatever reason, a little uncomfortable with the God implications (and that's another post for another day), but it's nights like tonight and friends like these that make me thankful and joyful to be alive. I certainly have had many hours, days, weeks, this year when I wasn't so thrilled to be vibrantly, painfully alive, and remembering how all of these friends have rallied behind me in my darkest, smallest moments as well as in the most shining, glorious moments literally brings tears to my eyes.

Thank you, guys. I love you so, so much. I am thrilled to have you all in my life, and to be part of yours, and to be facing this new chapter of our lives all together.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

* This reminds me of about the only joke I can ever fully remember. One woman (in the spirit of the horrific MBE simulation (hahaha) we took today, let's call her A) is talking to another woman (call her B) she's just met, and she says, "So, where are you from?" And B says, looking down her nose, "I'm from a place where they don't end sentences with prepositions." A pauses, and then she says, "Oh, yes. Please excuse me. I meant to say, where are you from... BITCH?"

And that in turn prompts me to tell you of the latest bar review Shusher drama.... today, a few of us in the troublemaking row came back early from our scheduled hour lunch so that we could get a headstart on the second section of the test, so that we could leave early. We were diligently working away (after an extended session of silliness as we started) when the rest of the class started to stream in, about 15 minutes before class was to start again. People realized that we were trying to work but continued to talk, as they certainly had the right to do. That didn't upset me. But, that they seemed to get louder as they realized we were already working... that upset me. So, I kept a diligent eye on the countdown clock on the video screen, expecting that that woman with the awful Minnesotan accent would pop back up and tell us to get started again, but desperately hoping that the lunch countdown would just switch over to the test countdown so that I could turn the shushing tables. And, praise be, it DID. And I DID.

And it was fabulous.

Lawyer jokes

2007-06-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

This is so typical of my father. Every once in a while, he sends me an email forward chock full of lawyer jokes. Now, keep in mind that my father emails me to say "hey, what's up?" about 3 times a year, and he calls about the same. So it's not like we have regular emails going back and forth and then once in a while one of these idiotic forwards. And, I think that he sent me this same forward a few months ago. It wasn't funny then, and it's not funny now.

Here's a sampling of the gems, all supposedly from a book called "Disorder in the Courts," which is supposedly a collection of real courtroom exchanges.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. _____________________________________________

My whole life, my dad was not supportive of my receiving a good education. He fought with my mom about allowing me to take summer enrichment classes. He didn't think I should be in the gifted & talented class. He thought I read too much. He fought with my mom because he didn't think I should get to go to boarding school--not because he thought we couldn't afford it, but because he just didn't think I should get to go. He didn't think I should get to go to a private college--he said that there was no reason IU wasn't good enough for me. My mom always told me that he was just jealous of the opportunities that were available to me, because he'd never had any support or any educational opportunities, and that he was insecure about his own intelligence, because although he is very smart, he's not book-smart. And I never really knew what to make of that--I guess it made some sense, but I just didn't see how my own father could be such a douchebag that he'd deny me opportunities that would enrich my entire life just because he hadn't had the same kind of opportunities.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being too sensitive. But I smell whiffs of that old, I don't know what to call it, oppression? in his sending these stupid emails. I don't understand why else he would send them, I just don't. I mean, the only jokes he ever sends me are ones in which the lawyer is ridiculously dumb--like, on the verge of retarded--and I just have to wonder what point he is trying to get across. Does he really think (a) the jokes are funny, and (b) that I will find them funny? (Am I just being obtuse? Are they funny? Do other lawyers find them funny? Do non-lawyers of reasonable intelligence find them funny?) Why would I find them funny? It might be one thing if they were fictional, and story-telling, in that really good set-up joke kind of way. You know, clever. A joke. But these are ostensibly real-life occurences. These are things that real lawyers have supposedly said in open court, which I admit is both bogus and sad. They are not jokes, in the sense that they display some sort of play on words, or some sort of irony, or some other amusing literary-sort of device that happens to be high-larious. They don't involve farts, or poop, or some other totally infantile and funny subject. No. They only reason these jokes might be funny--and they're not--is because they're so outrageous. They're funny in the "can you believe that Debra Opri actually has clients, because she doesn't know enough not to put her client's money in her own bank account?" way. Like, can you believe that this person is a lawyer? A monkey in a suit could do a better job! Har har har, imagine, a monkey in a suit! In a court room! Isn't that funny!

No. It isn't. Fuck off, and fuck you.

I just don't get why he thinks it's cool to send me jokes denigrating my chosen profession. I don't make fun of him or what he does, and I never, ever have. I don't think it's something to be made fun of. And I certainly would never dream of sending him "jokes" about all the stupid shit that patternmakers might do--look, Dad, what great company you keep! Look at the blazing intelligence and capability of the people who make up your field! Everyone laughs at them! They can't do anything right! A monkey in a mask could do a better job! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Thoughts?

Crunch, Em Effer!

2007-06-26T18:24:00.000-04:00

I am so. sick. of the self-righteous bullshit that certain people dish out daily in our bar class. The Shusher turns around and glares at us when we aren't even doing anything--and I mean, nothing. She turned around with her big ol' stinkeye today and my entire row of troublemakers was studiously writing. No one was talking, no one was laughing, no one was farting, nothing. And she glared at us! WTF! N whispered to all of us, "Were you breathing? Better stop!"

So, at the next break, I went to the gas station and purchased a big, crackly, crunchy bag of Doritos. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want to eat the Doritos. But I needed a weapon.

I waited to open the bag until class started again, so that I could take advantage of the stillness of the room. As soon as I did, the Shusher started shaking her head, apparently in disbelief at my gall (hello, we had just come back from break! people eat!). She turned and looked at someone like "can you believe the nerve of some of these people? I know! Awful!" Kept shaking her head and jiggling her knee for a while.

I waited until the video professor paused, so the room was nice and still, and then I CRUNCHed. I know that things always sound louder to me when I'm eating than to other people, because the noise is inside my own head, but dude, this was LOUD. My troublemaking row lost it. J's head went down, N turned sideways and was shaking with laughter, S and M (ooh, that sounds dirty) were giggling madly (but silently! silently!), and I had to turn around to calm myself so that I didn't inhale Dorito fragments. I tried really hard not to laugh audibly, because that would just give away that I was doing it to be an asshole, rather than doing it and just being an asshole incidentally.

Anyway, I kept crunching my way through the bag, trying to wait each time until the professor had paused so that my crunch was extra loud--because, just in case Shusher confronted me, I wanted to be able to bat my eyelashes innocently and protest that I had been trying to make sure that no one missed any part of the lecture because of my crunching.

I made that damn bag last for a whole hour. Hahahahaha!

At the end of class, our video professor was just reading to us the last couple of pages (just a sample exam problem and answer). He was not adding anything new. He was reading to us, verbatim, straight from the page. People started putting things away and murmuring. The Shusher shushed us. I turned to N and we shared a "are you kidding me?!?" kind of look. Then, when I turned back, I realized that the Shusher didn't even have her book open. She shushed the class so that she could hear the professor read directly from a book that she had already closed. Effing a-hole.

Night Children, Part 472.... Thousand.

2007-06-25T22:40:00.000-04:00

Cop call #3 has just occurred.

Friggin' kids are out jacking around in front of my apartment, driving Puck (and me!) crazy, kicking rocks, getting perilously close to my amazing, priceless Honda....

Argh.

Update: the cops actually came out! Two cars! They've got flashlights! They caught the kids! They scolded the mom! Awesome! I heard the mom ask, "Is everything ok now?" and the cop said, "As long they stay inside. And as I don't have to come back--if I have to come back, I'm gonna...." and then I missed the rest. I like to imagine he said, "I'm gonna rip their arms off and beat you with them." That would be fantastic.

Oh, and of course, the kids apparently live in the upstairs apartment next to mine--the one with the woman who has that yappy little shit-for-brains white dog--the one she refuses to keep on a leash; the one she lets out to go to the bathroom while she leans over the railing, occasionally says "Mischa! Shush!", and otherwise lets it zip around the parking lot yapping at 2 a.m.; the one that attacked Puck 3 different times while Puck was leashed (and bit him! he yelped! and tried to get away! and couldn't! because he was on a leash!); the one I had to kick to get it off of Puck. I hate that dog, and I HATE THAT WOMAN.

And those jerkoff kids.

Smoothies: blech, I mean, YUM!

2007-06-25T18:23:00.001-04:00

I have hated smoothies about as long as I can remember. I always want to like them, but when push comes to shove, I have always thought they were pretty disgusting. Chunky, liquid-y, and dammit, yogurt is just not meant to be drunk!

However.

On a recent grocery buying binge, I randomly thought, "hmm, a smoothie sounds good." So, with doubt, I purchased some ingredients: yogurt, apple juice, various fruits--even peaches, which I normally kinda detest, but which looked really yummy when N was eating them recently in class.

Today I finally decided to make a smoothie, to go along with my complicated dinner recipe of peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I busted out the blender (oh I hate cleaning that blasted thing...perhaps that's why I hate smoothies?), chopped some fruit up, dumped a couple globs of yogurt in, and topped it off with a little juice. Whirrrrrr, and ta-da! Smoothie delight. I decided to pour the colorful mixture into a colorful glass, because I need a little cheering up, and then I sampled it. After a few sips/glugs, I thought, "this needs some cinnamon." So I sprinkled a little spicy goodness in, tasted the smoothie again--and lo and behold, that cinnamon was FANTASTIC.

The chunkiness still weirds me out a little, but man, it's really tasty.

P.S. Those peaches were f-ing delicious.

Drama

2007-06-21T22:01:00.001-04:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sit, boy, sit

2007-06-20T20:05:00.001-04:00

I've been working with Puck on the "stay" command for the last few weeks, as it's always been the one he doesn't give two hoots about. Every time I feed him, I make him sit and stay for a period of time--I started with just a few seconds, while I was right next to him, and then gradually moved away and lengthened the amount of time--and then say his release word so he can go eat. That way I don't have to give him tons of extra treats, which is handy since I'm trying to slim him down a little. :)

ANYWAY, I got him to sit about a foot from a full food bowl tonight while I left the room and puttered around in the kitchen for a minute. He's such a good boy.

Isn't this blog exciting? Aren't you glad you're reading it? Oh yeah.

Whee!

2007-06-19T22:15:00.001-04:00

I have officially applied for that family law position! Everyone cross your fingers and do the employment dance!

Apply within

2007-06-19T20:51:00.000-04:00

Just posted:

Blog-naming position, available immediately.

I officially love the management at my apartment--for once.

2007-06-18T22:31:00.000-04:00

I arrived home from my trip to Carmel/Indy this evening, and as I pulled into my parking space, I noticed a folded piece of paper stuck in my door. Probably from management... What this time? A fourth query into whether I was planning to renew my lease? An entreaty to pick up dog poop, because they! are! inspecting! ? I was annoyed before I even got to the door. I lumbered up to the door, laden with my bigass school tote bag, my smaller messenger bag, the purse I borrowed from Other Jane, my sunglasses, my wad of keys, the dress I'd just bought, and a bag of Arby's (well, to be fair, it was just the sandwich... I'd already eaten the curly fries by the time I got home), and I ripped that damn piece of paper out of the door crack. Shook it open, read it as I struggled with my door locks... and started to laugh. I went inside, dropped all my stuff, and read the note thoroughly. Here's what it said:

Dear Tenant(s),

Wapehani Hills has been experiencing a high amount of damage to buildings and to our property by children. We as management must insist that your child/children stay around your unit and parking lot to help control this matter. Also, we can no longer have children roaming the property day and night unattended. Children hanging out and riding bikes out on the main roads is dangerous and drivers are becoming very concerned. We will be patrolling the site regularly. We appreciate your help and cooperation in this matter.

Ok, this is so awesome I can't even stand it. It's fantastic that they're at least saying something about these friggin' night children--although whether they actually do anything is another story. I have called the cops on these kids, who run around, scream (literally, scream), bounce basketballs, ride their skateboards, ride their bikes, etc. as late as 2 a.m. I am not kidding. 2 a.m. And these are not teenagers--I'm talking 6-year olds. 2 a.m. In the parking lot right behind my bedroom. In the middle of the week.

I hate them.

They ride their bikes in the middle of the street and play chicken with cars. I win, though, so that doesn't really bother me. A) I'm in a car. B) I will hit you. C) I do a great "I will hit you" staredown. D) I'm in a car, and I will hit you. E) Alternatively, I will long horn you, and you will be scared. But please do not soil those Hot Topic pants--that's just awkward.

They ding-dong-ditched my apartment the other night, banging on my door loud so loud I called 911. My apartment shook. Puck barked for a good five minutes. Steadily. It scared the bejeesus out of me. The next night, I called the cops (non-emergency line this time) with a noise complaint for the rugrats in the parking lot behind me. A-holes. Two days later, I came outside to find "my dick" written on the sidewalk in front of my apartment in chalk. Lovely little children. Then this past Friday night a whole passel of them went screaming by my apartment at about 12:45. Screaming. And then back. And then back again.

So, yes, I think this letter is great. Except, "we will be patrolling the site regularly"? Really? Somehow I doubt that my landlords are gonna haul their lazy butts into their fat white Escalade and come rolling around the 'hood in the middle of the night. But it's sweet of them to offer.